


You Can't Go Home Again

by sistershook



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dysfunctional Family, First Kiss, First Time, M/M, Magnus Bane is a Shameless Flirt, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:40:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 44,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28063323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sistershook/pseuds/sistershook
Summary: After being disowned by his family once he comes out, Alec moves away to university. He was intent on never coming back again. Then, Izzy shows up in his life unexpectedly with some news that may make Alec change his mind. They say that you can't go home again, but what if you could? Can Alec find a way to make peace with the past? What will he do when a mysterious stranger makes him feel things he's never felt before? Can Alec even accept himself?
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 65
Kudos: 110





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Of course, I don't own the Shadowhunters universe, I just like writing about it because these characters are fun. 
> 
> Trigger warning: this work does feature religious homophobia and some gay slurs. 
> 
> As it says on the tin, this work will be concentrated around Alec receiving unexpected news and wrestling with the idea of returning home again. While there, he will have to deal with difficult questions of self-acceptance and his parents' homophobia. But what will he do when he meets a mysterious stranger? Can he allow himself to love and be loved in return? 
> 
> This work is going to be slow burn. How slow, I'm not sure yet, but it will definitely be slower than other stuff I've written.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy reading. As always, comments and kudos are appreciated!

Alec knew he really needed a social life, but that would imply that he _had_ time for a social life. Working two jobs and being pre-med didn’t equate to having enough time to do anything else but sleep and sometimes not even that.

He was on his fourth cup of coffee for that day and the jitters had officially set in two hours ago. But that didn’t stop him from having a fifth cup sat in front of him, just shy of leaving a stain on his meticulously written notes for his organic chemistry final.

Really, couldn’t it have been a take-home instead? That would mean he could pick up extra shifts at the library and maybe Neela would let him pick up another one at the café.

Alec scrubbed one hand across his face while he jotted down more formulas on his “cheat sheet” with the other. Better known as an index card. The one small mercy his professor had granted them the entire semester.

Although he knew he didn’t really have room to complain. He had the best grade in the class but whined right along with everyone else because it wasn’t like he wanted other people knowing that.

No, he was determined to keep his head down, and blending in was the perfect strategy to do that.

He checked his watch and saw that he had a little over an hour of study time before he had to be at the café. Heck, if it was slow Neela might just let him occupy one of the corner tables instead of manning the register.

Surveying his lecture notes for what felt like the millionth time Alec was sure he was going to ace the exam. He wanted to be extra sure though. When it came time to apply for med school next fall he wanted to have a good case for a strong recommendation letter.

Too bad his phone chose that exact moment to blare out the obnoxious ringtone Alec had set it to. He frowned at it, swiping it from the table and turning it on silent to avoid further disturbing the people around him. He was already getting a few annoyed looks from the table right next to his.

He looked at the screen and felt time slow to a crawl and then stop. What was she doing calling him? How did she even have his number?

His hand shook as he continued to stare in disbelief at the numbers scrawled across the screen. Alec contemplated answering it, then decided that it was best to let sleeping dogs lie. It had been three years, well two and a half but still. Long enough for him to have given up the ghost of ever hearing from any of them ever again.

With force, he clicked the red “end” button on the call and then went to his recents and blocked the number. It was fine. Everything was fine. They didn’t know where he lived.

It did make him nervous that they knew his cell phone number. He’d changed that along with everything else about himself when he’d moved here.

Shaking his head, he turned his phone on silent and put it face down on the table. No more distractions.

For the next hour, he lost himself in the structures of carbon molecules and other chemicals. When the timer went off on his phone, he quickly shut it off and shoved his papers back into their corresponding folder. That went into his messenger bag along with the three textbooks and two sourcebooks he’d borrowed at the suggestion of his professor.

Standing up, he pulled on his overcoat.

Although he was glad to be out of the city. It surprised him in some ways how much he liked being upstate New York. It was less claustrophobic and overwhelming. Easier to be somebody and yet no one all at the same time. It was also a far cry from the more temperate climate of his hometown.

Alec slung his messenger bag over his shoulder and headed out into the crisp autumn air. It was edging into winter, the Thanksgiving break their last Hail Mary before the tight grip of finals.

He descended the steps of the university and walked up the avenue. The other good thing about living in a tiny town was that he could walk wherever he wanted to go.

His apartment was only a ten-minute walk from the university and he reached it quicker than usual. Racing ahead of the impending darkness and cooler temperatures brought on when the sun sank earlier than usual.

He was looking forward to making himself something hot to take with him to work and was absentmindedly rummaging through his bag for his keys when he happened to glance up. He stopped before he even realized he’d wanted to.

No, this couldn’t be happening. Not now. What was _she_ doing here? 

Alec thought about running away, but he knew that she’d just come back.

Bracing himself, he walked the last few steps to the rickety staircase that led to his tiny studio apartment.

There, perched on the bottom step, was Isabelle. She didn’t look like she’d changed much in the time that they’d been apart.

Her hair was longer and her makeup a little darker, but it was definitely Isabelle.

She looked up at him, her brown eyes a carbon copy of their mothers, down to the dark fringe of lashes framing them.

He stared at her but didn’t say anything. Of all the times that he’d thought about this moment, he’d rehearsed in his head a million things he wanted to say. But now that he had the opportunity to breathe life into them, the words just wouldn’t come.

His thoughts flitted around in his mind, much like the autumn leaves skipping on the pavement, never settling on one thing for too long.

Alec sighed, he knew he couldn’t have run forever, he just wanted a little more time. But it seemed like his time had officially run out.

“You’ve grown” She mused softly.

Of all the things he’d thought she would say, that wasn’t one of them. He expected some comment about the earrings he now wore. Or maybe the black nail polish. Perhaps even that he was carrying a rainbow messenger bag.

But not the fact that he’d grown, which he had. His freshman year he’d shot up two extra inches, putting him at 6’0.

“Is that all you have to say?” Even he was surprised at his brusqueness.

She flinched away from the abrasiveness in his tone and dropped her gaze to her lap where her fingers were interlaced over her bright red trench coat.

“No.” It was almost a whisper. Nothing at all like he remembered her. Or maybe she became a softer version of herself around him. But what did he know? She was a stranger now. He didn’t think he knew anything about her at all anymore.

He forced himself to speak, “Then why are you here? Did mom and dad send you?”

Isabelle shook her head, “Mom and dad don’t know I’m here.”

He rocked back, trying not to show how much that information surprised him. Isabelle _never_ did anything that would get her in trouble with their parents. What could be so important that she’d defy the wrath of their mother?

“I came here, because” she paused and worried at the sleeve of her coat. “Because I thought someone should tell you”

“Tell me what?”

“It’s Jace”

“What about him?”

“He’s – he’s sick.”

Alec tried not to let show how those words gripped his heart in an ice-cold grasp as he asked.

“Sick how?”

“Cancer” She spit the words out and Alec couldn’t stop the reflexive way he shrank back from them.

Cancer. It was such an ugly word. For a moment, he didn’t want to believe it. But then he saw the way that her hands trembled just slightly and that she wouldn’t meet his gaze.

“I don’t understand.”

She laughed humorlessly, “Yeah, well, neither do we. I just – I just thought someone should tell you before”

Isabelle let the last words trail off into silence. You didn’t have to be a genius to know how that sentence would end.

Alec still couldn’t believe it, didn’t want to believe it. The way that Isabelle had just tilted his world on its axis for the second time in his life.

He knew he should say something, _anything_ , but the words just wouldn’t come.

Finally, when the silence had stretched into uncomfortableness, Isabelle spoke. “I know that you might not want to come back. But Jace, he asks about you. All the time. They say he has a chance because he’s so young. I just, I don’t know what to tell him. And I thought, maybe if I came here then I could convince you to come home.”

Home. Alec didn’t have that anymore. He had, once. But that was a long time ago.

“I don’t have a home,” Alec said quietly.

Isabelle continued to worry at her sleeve. “You could”

“You know why I can’t, Isabelle”

She flinched away from his use of her full name. Strange, that that would elicit such a strong reaction, but not the fact that he refused to call that place home.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get to work. Tell Jace, tell him –“

Tell Jace what? That he loved him? Missed him? What did any of that mean when he didn’t even know Jace anymore?

Isabelle got to her feet slowly and fixed him with a hard glare.

Now that, that was more like the Isabelle he remembered. With steel in the straightness of her spine and in her gaze she spoke, “I don’t care what mom and dad said, Alec. But with me, there will always be a place for you. If you change your mind, well, you know where to find me.”

He watched her walk to where her car was parked a little ways up the street. Or he assumed it was anyways. He wondered when she’d gotten her license. Who had taught her how to drive a car if he wasn’t there?

The old familiar ache started in his heart and he rubbed reflexively at his chest as if that would make it go away.

It wasn’t that he _didn’t_ want to see Jace. In fact, he missed his family more and more as the days went by. But he knew that he wasn’t welcome there.

His mother and father had made that quite clear.

Alec forced himself to walk up the steps to change into his uniform. At this rate, he was going to be late. Not like Neela really cared but still.

There was a stiffness in his movements, mechanical even, as he numbly put on each item of clothing. Jace was sick, really sick. Jace could die.

That thought made his blood run cold.

The idea that Jace would no longer be there. Not even the option for reconciliation, made him feel unsettled. No, it was more than that, it made him feel a deep, aching regret for all the things that could be and that he would never get to say to him.

He wondered what his parents' reaction would be if he showed up on their doorstep again.

Without permission, the last night that he’d spent there crept into his mind.

_It was the second week of summer vacation. Only a week prior, he’d graduated high school. Class valedictorian and several scholarship offers on the table._

_The future looked bright, but there was one cloud that prevented the skies from being completely clear._

_Alec had a secret._

_He’d thought about telling his parents ever since he’d figured it out in the spring of his sophomore year._

_There was never a good time to tell them though. Not only that, but he wanted a way to escape if things went sideways, which he was sure they would._

_His parents had never been shy about how they felt about people like him. Godless. Abominations._

_They were “God-fearing” good, “Christian” people. They prayed to the saints every night and were at mass in the front pew every Sunday. There was never a holy day of obligation that they missed._

_Alec couldn’t count how many of those Sundays he had spent praying for God to take away this part of him. The part of him that wouldn’t go away no matter how hard he tried. How many girls he kissed._

_It ate him alive on the inside._

_Finally, he was forced to admit that maybe it wasn’t something that could be changed after all. That thought was followed closely by the admission that if God couldn’t take it away from him, maybe He wasn’t all-powerful after all. Maybe He didn’t exist at all._

_Because how could He if He created people like Alec just to condemn them to torture in a fiery hellscape for all eternity?_

_Sunday morning had never been the same after that. Nothing had._

_It was also around that time that he’d decided no matter what when he turned eighteen he was telling his parents._

_He’d been putting money away for two years now, enough so that he could disappear if he needed to. He highly doubted they’d be looking for him after this night anyways._

_Alec paced the floor as he waited impatiently for his parents to come into the living room. After what seemed like forever, they came in and sat on the couch._

_The perfect couple. An ideal picture of a good marriage. If you didn’t count the affairs or the fighting or well, any of the rest of it._

_“Well, Alec, what did you want to tell us?” That was his mother._

_“There’s something, something that I want you guys to know.”_

_“Whatever it is, you can tell us, son.” His father chimed in._

_“I’m not so sure you’re going to like what I have to say,” Alec said softly. Now that the moment was here, he was petrified. Was he really going to do this?_ Could _he do this?_

_“Alec, does this have anything to do with a girl?”_

_Alec could barely suppress a morbid chuckle. If only this had something to do with a girl, then maybe they wouldn’t be having this conversation._

_He wiped his palms on his pants._

_Breathing in deep, Alec made sure to look both his parents in the eye._

_“No, mom, it doesn’t. But, y-you should know, I’m-I’m gay.”_

_He refused to look away as they absorbed what he’d just said._

_His father shook his head, “I don’t believe it. Alec, you’re not – you’re not_ gay _”_

_The last word was whispered as if it was something shameful. Dirty. Wrong._

_“Yes, I am dad”_

_“Alec, you’re still young, you have time to figure this out. I’m sure once you meet the right girl – “_

_“That’s not going to happen” He interrupted his mom impatiently, “Don’t you get it? I’m gay. I don’t like girls, I never have”_

_“What do you mean?” His father asked, confused, “You’ve had girlfriends”_

_“No, I had friends who were girls. They were never my girlfriends.”_

_His mother recoiled. “What are you saying, Alec? This, this isn’t right. Who’s been telling you all this?”_

_“No one’s been telling me anything. This isn’t something I chose, this is who I_ am _.”_

_His father shot to his feet, angry now. “It is_ not _who you are. I did not raise my son to be gay!”_

_“You didn’t have to” Alec shot back, “I didn’t choose this and you didn’t make me this way”_

_“You know what the Bible says –“ his mother started._

_“I don’t care what the Bible says!” Alec yelled. His parents looked like he’d slapped them._

_“Don’t you dare say that in my house, Alexander.”_

_His father’s tone was low, the warning in it clear. One that Alec chose to ignore._

_“Why not? Do you really believe what it says? Do you believe that I’m going to burn in hell?”_

_“For acting on your sinful thoughts then yes, you know what’s written”_

_Alec couldn’t believe this, his own_ father _. No matter how many times he’d prepared himself for this very scenario, nothing could prepare him for the pain that cut into him at his father’s words._

_“So you think me, being who I am, I’m going to burn in hell?” Alec couldn’t quite keep his voice from shaking as he repeated his earlier question._

_“Not for being gay. For acting on your sinful thoughts”_

_“So what? I’m just supposed to be alone forever?”_

_“That’s not what I said”_

_“Alec please,” His mother interjected, “I know you think that this is you, but it’s not. I’m going to call Father and we can sit down –“_

_“No,” Alec said firmly. “I can’t pray this away. Don’t you think I’ve tried?!”_

_“Then try harder!” His father was really angry now, his face turning red and eyebrows furrowed over his eyes that had darkened with rage. “No son of mine is going to be a fag”_

_It was Alec’s turn to recoil from his father. What a fucking terrible word. And his father had said that, to_ him _._

_Tears burned at the corners of his eyes. “Then I guess I’m not your son”_

_His mother stepped between the two of them._

_“Can we just calm down please-“_

_“No,” His father cut her off, “If this is who he says he is, then he’s right. You’re no son of mine. I won’t have you in my house.”_

_“Robert,” His mother gasped. “Don’t do this.”_

_Alec stared at his father in disbelief for a second. Then shook his head. “Fine. I’m leaving”_

_“Thirty minutes. You have thirty minutes to get whatever you need and get out. Don’t come back here. Don’t try calling any of us. If you walk out that door, there’s no place for you here anymore.”_

_Distantly, he could hear his mother pleading with his father to change his mind. The sound of her voice was drowned out by the cacophony of the realization that he had just lost everything._

_If he left now, he wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to his siblings. Would they even know why he’d left? What would their parents tell them?_

_He made his way up the stairs to his room and slid the duffle bags he’d packed from underneath the bed. Some instinct had told him it was going to go down this way. Although, ironically, he’d prayed one last time that it wouldn’t._

_It seemed like God had never been listening after all._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as this story goes on, I'll probably be adding characters as I see fit. 
> 
> That being said, I really don't know why but I really liked the idea of Maia and Alec being friends in this story? I know it's the complete opposite of canon I just thought that Maia's backstory and Alec's story in this fic would mesh.
> 
> So yeah, it's definitely not canon compliant but here is chapter two. 
> 
> As always, any grammatical errors are my own. 
> 
> Constructive criticism is welcome. Comments and kudos are much appreciated.
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading!

The shadow of that painful memory trailed him as he slowly made his way to Neela’s café. Well, it wasn’t called that, but everyone here called it Neela's café. Because you came for the coffee and you kept coming back due to her infectious personality and rakish stories.

Neela was the closest thing he had to a mother these days. She’d taken pity on him sometime in the beginning of his freshman year when he’d gone out campaigning for work. Although his work-study gave him a job in the library, it still wasn’t enough to cover the bills.

Neela had offered him not only enough money to pay his rent, she’d also offered him a safe place when he needed it.

Normally, the thought of seeing her would at least make him feel a little bit better about his shitty day, but not today. Today was ranking in the top ten of shitty days. Not only had his little sister shown back up in his life, but she’d come with the news that his little brother could possibly die of cancer.

One of those things would be enough to make this a shitty day but both of them together made it spectacularly worse.

He couldn’t afford to miss work though. There were no parents to call if he was a couple of days late on his rent or needed money for groceries.

Alec turned his collar up as the wind slipped down the back of his coat, chilling his neck. Thankfully, he could see the glow of the café’s lights now.

A warm breath of air welcomed him in from the cold. Looking around, it didn’t seem like they were too busy. It was later in the day and most of the students who studied here would have gone home hours ago. In their place were moms catching up at the end of a long day and business types hunched over laptops trying to hammer out one final report before quitting time.

He nodded at a couple of regulars he recognized before slipping behind the counter and into the office. As usual, despite the large size of the room, there was a jumble of clutter everywhere. Coats hung up haphazardly beside the doorway and stacks of papers leaned on Neela’s desk. Accompanied by piles of boxes of who knew what pushed against the walls.

Neela was sat behind the desk going over the numbers for the month it looked like. Her reading glasses that she swore she didn’t need perched on the tip of her nose and not one, but two, large calculators to her right and left.

She glanced up when he walked in. “Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in”

“Sorry I’m late” Alec replied, hurriedly hanging up his coat and bag.

“Oh you know I don’t mind. But you better hurry up or Maia’s gonna kill you.”

Alec nodded as he slipped his apron over his head and headed back into the café. Maia was cleaning the espresso machine as he took his place behind the register.

“You’re late,” She said flatly, but it was belied by the grin playing at the corners of her mouth. Maia was probably the only person he had in this town who he could call a friend.

She, like him, was a cast-off. Unwanted by the very people who were supposed to love them the most. Maybe that was what made them such close friends.

“Yeah, sorry, something came up”

“Something?” She asked, as she wrung out her rag and dropped it into the cleaning bucket.

“It’s nothing, promise.”

Maia looked skeptical but didn’t press him. “Okay, well. Since you’re here I’m gonna clock out a little early. Got a paper to write and you know Simmons.”

Alec did know Professor Simmons very well. Extremely passionate about his subject and also extremely passionate about grammatical errors in his students’ papers.

He’d had him for his writing class last spring but Maia as an English lit minor had the misfortune of having him for the past two semesters.

“Yeah, good luck with that.”

She chuckled. “Thanks I’m gonna need it”

Maia started towards the office, then turned to look at him. “We still on for tomorrow night?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Alec said, grinning. Tomorrow was Friday, which usually meant one of two things. Getting ridiculously drunk and wandering up to the overlook above town. Or, one of them would find the most absurd movie they could and they’d still get drunk and laugh themselves into tears.

It was the one day of the week Alec allowed himself to do absolutely nothing outside of school hours.

She grinned back at him and then disappeared into the office.

Alec turned towards the register to see if he had any customers. Seeing no one, he picked up the cleaning bucket, checked the time, and wandered to the kitchen to swap it out for newer water.

He wandered back and took up Maia’s job. Once the espresso machine was clean for the second time, he wiped down all the counters.

Afterward, he cleaned the tables, leaving little else he could do. He could count the till, but that would have to wait until the end of his shift.

There would probably be a few people who came in, but since it was after peak hours, he didn’t expect that they’d be too busy.

He went back into the office and grabbed his bag. Selecting a corner table that had a good vantage point on the door, Alec settled back into the familiar monotony of molecules and formulas.

The thing about advanced chem was it forced his mind to be present. There was no way he could think about anything else while he was trying to concentrate on it.

His shift passed as slow as it usually did. About half an hour before the shop closed, he put away his things and hung his bag up in the office.

Neela had long since given up on her numbers and he could hear her in the kitchen as she hummed to herself. No doubt prepping dough for scones and making muffins for the morning.

The soft scent of vanilla mixed in with cinnamon wafted out. It was comforting, reminding him of late nights crying into Neela’s shoulder on her couch in the apartment she lived in above the store. The warmth of her arms holding him with the love he remembered from his mother what seemed like a lifetime ago.

Alec smiled wistfully at the thought.

Turning towards the door, he locked up and began stacking tables and chairs. Sweeping and mopping the floor took about ten minutes and then he was back at the register counting the till.

Once everything seemed in order, he closed it out and brought the drawer to Neela’s office.

He put his apron on its hook, slid his coat on, and wrote down his time out on the clipboard hanging by the door.

Scooping up his bag, he made his way into the kitchen. Sure enough, Neela was standing at the counter, hands covered in flour.

“Hey, you got a minute?”

“Sure, you wanna head up? There’s leftovers in the fridge. I’ll be up in a few.”

Alec nodded, turning to the door just outside the kitchen that concealed a staircase leading up to Neela’s apartment. 

The wooden floorboards creaked and groaned under his feet, announcing his presence to the rest of the apartment.

The main room had a spacious sectional that took up most of the floor. It was overflowing with throw pillows in varying jewel tones. A blanket that Alec was sure Neela had gotten on her last trip to Mexico lay over the back of it.

Beside the sofa was a comparatively small, light oak dining room table, four matching chairs tucked neatly underneath it.

Photos of Neela’s various travels around the world were hung up tastefully. Interspersed with movie posters of films in languages that Alec couldn’t even try to pronounce on his best days.

He toed his shoes off at the door and left his bag beside them. Padding into the kitchen, he rummaged around in the fridge until he found Alfredo that Neela must have made the night before.

Alec ate dinner at the counter, flipping through his emails absently for lack of anything better to do.

He’d just finished up when he heard the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs.

“Whoo, it’s been a long day” Neela sighed as she kicked her shoes off beside his and meandered into the kitchen. “Did you get enough to eat?”

“It was plenty,” Alec said.

“Good, good.” She rummaged in the cabinets for a moment, producing a half-full bottle of Chianti.

Alec watched with bemusement as she filled her wine glass all the way to the top. “It must have been a really long day”

“Eh, it’s not you kids. It’s the fact that Layla just won’t leave me alone”

Layla was Neela’s ex. She was also seemingly unaware that they were no longer together.

Alec snorted. “You know you could just block her. Like everyone else”

“You know she’d find some other way to bug me”

“She needs to find another hobby”

“You’re telling me,” Neela grumbled, as she moved past him to sink into the sofa. Gathering the blanket, she folded it over her lap.

Looking up at him, she gestured with her free hand to the other side of the couch. “Well, don’t be a stranger. Sit, sit.”

Obediently, Alec sat.

“Now, what’s going on?”

Knowing it would do no use trying to beat around the bush, Alec decided to go for the blunt approach.

“Isabelle called me.”

“Say what?!”

Neela sat up completely, “How did she get your number?”

“I don’t know.” He replied honestly.

“Did you answer it?”

“Of course not.”

“Good. But I’m guessing that isn’t the end of it?”

Alec shook his head, “If only. She showed up at my apartment”

“I’m sorry but that sounded like you said she showed up at your _apartment_ ”

“That’s because she did.”

“What did she want?”

“She-she said that Jace is sick.”

“Sick?” Neela asked, confused. “Sick how?”

“Cancer” Alec could barely choke the word out. It still didn’t seem real. He wasn’t even sure if it _was_ real.

“Oh honey” She took her hand in his.

“I know. It’s just there was something else.” He paused. “She said that-that I would always have a place, with her.”

Neela gave him a sympathetic look. “I know you miss home Alec, but-”

“I know” Alec repeated. “They-they said they didn’t want anything to do with me. I just can’t help thinking what I would do if Jace actually dies. I never even got to say goodbye.”

“So what are you thinking about doing?”

“I want to see him”

“Alec-“

“I mean, I know it’s not a good idea with my parents – “

“That wasn’t what I was going to say. What I was going to say is do whatever you think is best. But do you think you’re ready for that?”

“’m not sure,” Alec admitted, “But I know I couldn’t live with myself if I don’t at least try to say goodbye.”

“Okay, whatever you want. I’ll support you.” She suddenly threw the blanket off and set her glass on the side table.

She raised one finger up, “Hold on.”

Confused, Alec watched as she walked out of the room and disappeared into the back of the apartment.

Alec could hear her rummaging around for something, muttering to herself.

He waited, unsure just what it could be. Knowing Neela, there were a lot of options on the table.

“Now listen,” She said as she came back into the living room, “I didn’t want to give it to you just yet. It was supposed to be a surprise, but it seems now’s as good a time as any.”

She held out a set of keys, letting them dangle from one finger.

“I don’t understand.”

“It’s yours, Alec.”

“I can’t accept this,” He said. No way could he accept this from her. This was too much.

“You can and you will. I don’t want no arguments. You’ve needed a car for a long time and I’m aiming to give you one.”

“But Neela”

“Nope,” She said, popping the ‘p.’ “I’ve already thought about all the excuses that you could come up with. It will not be a financial strain on me. You know I have plenty to go around. You don’t owe me anything and count this as an early graduation present.”

Speechless, Alec stared up at her.

“Now don’t worry about the registration or insurance,” Neela continued, “I’ve already gotten that all taken care of.”

She snorted, “And you wondered why I made you get your license. Now you either take these things from me or I’ll drop them on you.”

Alec stood and wrapped her in a hug. “Thank you, I don’t know how – i-i-if I _can_ ever repay you.”

“Don’t owe me anything, dear,” She said, squeezing him tightly. “You just promise me that you’re gonna graduate and get that M.D. by your name”

“Yes, of course,” Alec stammered, still in complete disbelief.

“And if you need to go, don’t worry about work. You’re in here near about every day, even more than Maia which I didn’t think was possible. You have plenty of time off saved and you’ll still get paid. I’ll make sure your plants are watered. Just let me know when or if you’re going.”

Alec felt on the verge of tears. “Of course I will”

“Good, now do you want to see it or what?”

Swiping at his eyes and stepping back he nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

Neela led him out the back door to the spiral staircase that wound down to street level.

There, parked behind Neela’s bright pink VW bug was a dark blue compact.

“It’s not the newest thing on the market. But it runs good, I checked it out myself.”

“Neela, it’s fine, more than fine.”

“Don’t mention it, sweetie. Now, why don’t we get back upstairs and you can grab your things and head on home?”

“Okay. Seriously, thank you, Neela this is-this is incredible.”

Neela hummed but didn’t reply.

A few minutes later found him sitting behind the wheel of his very own car. Something he didn’t think he would ever have. He ran his hand reverently over the steering wheel and surveyed the inside.

It felt surreal like he was in some reality TV show. This couldn’t be his real life.

He started the car and carefully maneuvered it out onto the street. It wasn’t his first time driving by himself. Neela often let him borrow her car to run errands for her. But he’d never been further than thirty minutes outside of the town itself.

It felt strange pulling into the designated parking spot for his apartment. The entire time he’d been there it had been empty. Or else when it was warmer outside he’d chain his bicycle to the front post. As many times as he'd dreamed about having his own vehicle, it didn't yet feel real that he actually had one. 

Shaking his head, he turned the car off and pocketed the keys. He should’ve known Neela would pull something like this, no doubt Maia was in on it too.

Those two were always after him to buy nicer things for himself. But he had med school to save up for with what little money he had leftover. There was no room to buy expensive things, let alone a _car_.

Making his way up the stairs, he unlocked the door to his tiny studio and quickly shut it behind him, blocking out the cold wind that tried to follow him inside.

He stroked a fond hand over the fern he had placed by the front door. It was a rescue from someone on Facebook who swore that the plant was dead.

Tossing his keys on the entryway table, he shucked off his outer layers and shoes and stepped around the small partition that blocked the view of the living room.

Hidden behind another partition in one corner was a double bed that he found for cheap, also conveniently on Facebook. As was most of the rest of the furniture including his couch and dining room table.

Some of the pieces were slightly mix-matched, but it still felt like home. When you added in several pictures of him and Maia and Neela, it even felt lived in at times. Still, sometimes he felt lonely and wished that it wasn’t just him.

He’d been complaining about it to Maia one day and she’d joked that he just needed a plant to cheer him up.

What had started as a joke had quickly become maybe a problem. There were several small, airy plants hanging from hooks on the ceiling and several more lined up along both windowsills. Added to the two on his small, Formica, kitchen countertop and the large fern in the hallway he sometimes felt like he lived in a pseudo-tropical jungle.

The plants were at least good company though. And not nearly as demanding as having a pet.

He contemplated curling up on the couch and watching YouTube but knew he’d regret it if he did. Checking his watch he saw it was just a little past seven, meaning he still had time to get in a run if he wanted to.

Which, he probably needed if only to exhaust his body to the point where he wouldn’t be thinking about everything that’d happened today.

Mind made up, Alec walked around the partition concealing his bed and quickly changed into a thermal and shorts he pulled from the drawers underneath it.

He found a beanie he must’ve tossed on his nightstand yesterday and jammed it on over his headphones.

The air temperature outside had dropped a few more degrees while he’d been inside and he shivered. He thought about going back inside but then again, he was already out here. In for a penny, in for a pound.

Jogging down the steps, he let his feet pick his direction. They took him on his typical route through the tiny greenway that passed for a park. Up around the university and through cookie-cutter two stories that crowded the western side of town.

Then back again until he passed by Neela’s café and several other local businesses that were shuttered for the night. Finally landing at the steps to his apartment once again forty-five minutes later.

Now that he was no longer moving, sweat began to chill on his skin. Alec hurried back up the stairs and out of the cold.

A quick shower and then he was safely ensconced underneath his covers, the radiator hissing lowly in the background. The soothing, familiar sound lulled him to sleep.

The last few days of the semester passed much the same way and he tried not to think about Izzy’s visit again. But it was a persistent, gnawing distraction at the back of his mind.

Finally, on the last day of class, he couldn’t ignore it any longer.

He was supposed to meet Maia later to have a few drinks at a local karaoke bar. Not that he would be singing but it was always amusing to watch other people try. Maybe one of these days, Maia would convince him to join her, but today was not going to be one of them.

When he got there, she was already sitting in their usual booth. Her signature black choker around her neck and hair curling softly under the dim lamplight. She looked up as he approached.

“Well, one more semester down”

“And three more to go” He responded, sliding into the side opposite her. “How was your exam?”

“Terrible. I don’t know why Simmons can’t just give us normal questions.” She complained.

Alec laughed, “What did he ask this time?”

“Ugh, I don’t want to talk about it. Actually, I never want to think about it again. Because after today, I never have to take another class from him _ever_.”

“I’ll drink to that.” He turned slightly in his seat and raised his hand to get the attention of Tony, the bartender, and also the owner. They were here often enough that all he did was nod to let them know he’d bring their drinks as soon as he was done with the girls he was serving. Alec couldn’t believe that any one of them was actually old enough to drink, but what did he know? He’d only just turned twenty-one himself.

“So, what about you?” Maia leaned forward on her arms and gave him a teasing grin.

“What about me?”

“Oh come on, Neela told me”

“I knew it!” Alec exclaimed, “I knew you were in on it.”

“I may have had a little something to do with it.” She acknowledged with a slight tilt of her head. “But seriously, are you gonna go anywhere? Come on, it’s winter break you must have somewhere you’ve been wanting to go.”

“Well,” Alec bit his lip nervously and fiddled with the earring in his left ear. “I have something –“

“Here you go,” Tony said as he put down their glasses on the table. “Don’t even think about paying for those. They’re on the house. It’s a new brew we’re trying out. Let me know if you like it.”

“Oh come on, Tony, you’ve got to let us pay for our drinks at least once.” The complaint was only half-hearted.

“Not a chance,” he said, “Listen, talking with you two I’ve made up with Marie and I ain’t never letting her go again. That’s worth more to me than the cost of your drinks”

“Fine,” Maia sighed. “But you can’t stop us from tipping you.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He turned when a server called his name. “Gotta go, duty calls.”

He gave them a two-fingered salute and disappeared into the crowd.

“All we did was give him a little advice,” Alec said.

“Well, it saved his marriage.” Maia pointed out, “I guess he’s still really grateful”

“It wasn’t like we had to do a whole lot. He’s a good guy, he was just…”

“A little lost?”

“Yeah,” Alec nodded.

“Sooo,” she said, leaning back and taking a long pull of her drink. “You had something you wanted to tell me?”

He couldn’t stop his reflexive habit of reaching up to toy with his earring again.

“Isabelle came to see me”

She barked out a sharp laugh, “Wait, Isabelle came to see you? You’re kidding, right? Like your sister Isabelle?”

“The only one I know,” Alec replied dryly.

“What? Why?”

“Apparently, Jace is sick. It’s real bad.”

“Alec,”

“No, it’s okay, Maia. Well, I mean, it’s not okay, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot…” he trailed off.

“And?” She asked expectantly.

“I think-I think I want to see him.” 

Dropping her glass back to the table, she leaned forward again. “Alexander Lightwood you better look me in my eyes when you tell me that. You’re not serious are you?”

“Maia,” he sighed, squirming underneath the intensity of her stare, “I-I-I can’t explain it. Jace, he’s-he’s my brother. I mean, I know I don’t owe them anything but I just-I just want to see him before -”

He gestured helplessly, not quite able to bring himself to finish _that_ thought.

She stared at him a moment longer then sat back. “I’m coming with you.”

“Maia I can’t ask you to do that. What about Jordan?”

“What about him?” Maia arched one single, perfectly shaped brow.

“I mean, I know you two just got back together and- “

“He’ll understand. He knows how important you are to me. I’m not letting you do this alone. And listen, Jordan’s family has some property down there. I’m sure if I talk to him he can convince them to let us stay there.”

Jordan was Maia’s boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend and then he was her boyfriend again. It was a long story. Jordan had been in a bad place when they’d first gotten together. His father had just left and his mother was scrambling to pick up the pieces. The only way he knew how to cope was anger.

He was the one responsible for the scar that Maia kept hidden underneath her choker. Alec had never asked for details, it didn’t seem like something you just asked. He figured if Maia ever felt like telling him the story, she would.

After Maia left her hometown, she’d thought she’d left Jordan behind for good. Until he’d shown back up here of all places. He hadn’t even asked for her forgiveness but he had told her how sorry _he_ was. He admitted that he had a problem and had been in anger management and therapy for a while.

Alec still didn’t trust him completely and no matter what Maia said, he didn’t get the sense that she did either. Some scars healed and others didn’t. Maybe it would work out and maybe it wouldn’t.

But he could see that Jordan loved her if nothing else. Time would tell if it ended up that Maia would ever be able to forgive him completely and love him again. That was nobody’s decision but hers.

“Maia, really, you don’t have to do all that.”

“It’s nothing,” She said dismissively, “I’ll pack my bags and we can be on the road tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” He choked. It seemed so soon.

“Well, yeah. Winter break’s only for a few weeks. I know Neela will let us go and I don’t know about you, but I’d like to be back here for the spring semester.”

Alec knew she was right, it all just felt so sudden. He felt like the rug had been pulled out from under him again. Sure, he’d been turning the idea over in his mind over the last couple of days but it was another thing to actually do something about it.

She squinted at him, “Are you sure you’re gonna be able to do this?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted, “But I know I have to see Jace. If nothing else, just, you know, to say goodbye.”

“Alec, you know you don’t have to do this.”

“I know, but I want to.”

“Then it’s settled. But tonight, we’re gonna forget all that and we’re gonna drink because we are one step closer to being college graduates!”

He smiled in spite of himself, her tone too infectious not to.

The next morning, Maia was at his apartment, duffle bag slung over one shoulder, backpack over the other, and her suitcase trailing behind her.

“Morning”

“Morning,” he groaned. Unlike her, he always got hungover and the four ibuprofen he’d taken were doing nothing for the pounding in his head.

“Oh don’t be like that, it’s a beautiful day outside” She chirped, grinning when he glared at her.

“For some people maybe.”

“You can sleep in the car. Time waits for no one. Keys”

She held out her hand and Alec dropped them into her palm gratefully.

Popping the trunk, she put her bags in beside his and looped her arm through his elbow.

“Come on, we have to say goodbye to Neela, you know she’ll kill us if we don’t”

“Right.”

Alec let himself be tugged along and up the avenue. Thankfully, Maia took them to the back door to Neela’s apartment instead of having to wade through the café during the morning rush.

She knocked at the door and Alec winced, the sound piercing with the throbbing in his head.

A moment later Neela called for them to let themselves in.

They found her at the dining room table, an array of papers and swatches splayed out before her.

“Thinking of doing some remodeling?” Maia asked.

“I was thinking about it,” Neela replied absently, “Hmm, you know I really just want to liven the place up for the holidays. I’m just not sure what I want to do yet.”

Putting down the paint swatch in her hand, she turned to face them.

“I’m surprised to see you two awake.”

“Trust me, Alec wishes he wasn’t right now”

“I should’ve never let you talk me into that last shot”

Maia grinned, “You should know you can’t out drink me.”

“That doesn’t stop him from trying,” Neela commented dryly. “There’s some ginger ale in the kitchen. I put some other things together too that you all can take on the road with you.”

“How did you know that I’d made up my mind?” Alec asked.

Maia clapped him on the shoulder, “Doesn’t take much to put two and two together. Neela knew you were gonna go the minute you talked with her.”

“I’m not _that_ transparent am I?” Alec directed his question at Neela.

“Alec, sweetie, I love you but you’re about as secretive as the sky is blue. Which is to say, not at all.”

She got up and pulled them both into a quick hug. “Now, you know I’d love to stay and talk with you all day but, daylight’s wasting. And I have to go check on the boys. Call me when you stop for the night and you better call me when you get there.”

“We will.” They promised.

“Good. And you,” She pointed at Maia, “Keep that one out of trouble.”

Maia laughed, “I can try”

Neela nodded, “Be good. Don’t make me have to come down there and get you”

“You two be safe and call me if you need anything.”

After assuring her that they would, they gathered up the small box she’d left for them on the counter and made their way back down to street level.

When they arrived back at the car, Maia plucked the box from Alec and put it in the back.

She ducked into the driver’s seat while Alec slumped gratefully into the passenger seat.

He reclined the chair back and threw an arm over his face to block out the bright sunlight streaming in through the windows.

“I definitely shouldn’t have let you talk me into that last shot.”

“Well, now you can take a nap. I’ll wake you up when it’s your turn to drive.”

“Don’t crash the car,” Alec said.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” She replied starting the car and fiddling with the radio until she finally settled on an alternative station. “And my driving is perfectly safe.”

Alec snorted but didn’t respond. Safe, yeah right. If safe counted as driving at least fifteen miles above the posted speed limit and taking turns at the last possible minute. Then sure, Maia’s driving was perfectly safe.

He tried to sleep and managed to fall into a fitful doze. His mind just wouldn’t stop chasing itself in circles.

He wondered what his parents were going to say, his siblings. It seemed so strange, the thought of actually going home. Well, it wasn’t home anymore.

That ship had sunk a long time ago. It was just a house, a place. The only meaning it had to him anymore was faded and worn.

It hurt to think that the place that had once held such importance to him was now the one place that he dreaded most in the world. But it was a phantom pain.

It didn’t hurt as much as it used to, or that’s what he told himself anyway. It was easier than wallowing in it and wishing for could haves and might have beens.

He couldn’t change the past and he didn’t want to. Alec was completely comfortable with himself and the little family he’d made for himself here.

He wasn’t going back to reclaim something. He didn’t need to try to rebuild bridges that had smoldered into ash years ago.

All he wanted was a chance to say goodbye.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, I apologize for how late my replies were. The holidays are always wild for me. I hope that they were good for everyone. And I am so happy that 2020 is finally freaking over!
> 
> That being said, here is Chapter 3. It's kinda boring but it's mostly setup for later chapters. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy reading.

Alec woke up slightly confused as the car slowly coasted to a stop.

“Where are we?” He asked muzzily.

“According to Google, we’re in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania.”

Alec sat up fully and surveyed his surroundings. Non-descript buildings were lined up in a haphazard row along a two-lane blacktop. None of them looked like they’d seen any sign of life in at least a decade.

The gas station where they’d stopped didn’t look like it was faring any better. Two rusting pumps huddled under the meager shelter of a chipped and cracked plastic awning. At least it seemed like they accepted card.

Because there was no way Alec was stepping foot into the convenience store itself. Not only did it look like something straight out of a Stephen King novel, but he suspected that it was not exceptionally welcoming of people like him. His first hint? A sticker on the door that had a pride flag with a big red crossed-out circle over it.

“Uh, can we make it a little bit further?”

“We could,” Maia said, “If, you know, we wanted to end up stranded.”

Alec sighed. “Okay, just, hurry up.”

His unease was growing with every moment, especially the rough-necks who were leaning up against the side of the building and giving them the side-eye. Whether that was because they were strangers or something else, Alec didn’t know and he didn’t really want to find out either.

“You read my mind,” Maia replied, as she got out and hurriedly shut the door to keep as much heat in the car as possible.

The anxious feeling wouldn’t leave him as he waited impatiently for her to finish filling the tank.

Thankfully, it didn’t take very long before Maia was sliding back into the driver’s seat and pulling smoothly back onto the highway.

“You don’t want me to take over?” Alec asked.

She shook her head, “No, it’s only a couple of hours until we get to the hotel. Besides, that means that you get to drive through D.C.”

Alec groaned. “You know I’ve only ever driven in town, right?”

“The best way to learn is trial by fire,” Maia smirked.

Alec sighed, “I just got this car. It would really suck if I wrecked it right now,”

She laughed, “Relax, you’ll be fine. Just breathe and don’t try to be crazy.”

They lapsed into an easy silence. Music filled in the gaps in the quiet as Alec turned to gaze out the window at the passing countryside. Miles and miles of trees, barren in the cold and glistening with half-melted frost. Their leaves and flowers slumbering in the long sleep of winter only to be awakened by the returning spring.

Grass carpeted the highway if it could even be called that, on either side, a dreary brown that was just one of many shades of beige that faded into the pale, robin’s egg blue of the sky. 

It should have been depressing, but it wasn’t. Winter was Alec’s favorite time of the year, if only because the bite in the air meant having more excuses to spend time inside and away from other people. Except for Maia, but hanging out with Maia never really felt like he had to make an effort in the first place.

Eventually, Maia grew bored of the silence and they spent the next few hours playing I-spy and the alphabet game. When that failed to hold their interest, they turned to discussing their upcoming classes for the spring semester and what internships they would be applying for that summer.

They stopped for the night in a Best Western on the Maryland-Virginia state line. The next morning they were up bright and early, despite Alec’s best attempts to sleep in.

Maia had coaxed him out of bed with the promise of coffee and whatever music he wanted to listen to on the radio. Usually, Maia didn’t allow him to take control of the music. Mostly because his taste was eclectic to say the least and rarely settled on one genre for very long, which tended to drive Maia a little bit crazy.

Sometimes he did it on purpose just to annoy her. But most of the time he was fine with her taking control of what they listened to.

He was nervous, though, about driving on the highway by himself. He’d driven on the highway around town a few times, and it hadn’t been terrible. But he was two, basically three states away from upstate New York. It didn’t seem like there was much to compare it to.

“You’ll do fine,” Maia reassured him. “And if you need me to take over, just find the nearest rest stop and pull off.”

“Okay,” Alec said. He fidgeted with the side-view mirrors, then the rear-view mirror, and finally the seat. Once he felt like everything was where he wanted it to be, he pulled up his Spotify and set it to his liked songs.

“All set?” Maia asked.

Alec gave her a tight smile, “I think so.”

She nodded, “And just remember deep breaths, don’t rush and take your time. Don’t pay attention to what anyone else is doing just drive, ‘kay”

“Right,” Alec said, as he put the car in reverse and checked to make sure there were no idiots that decided to time their early-morning walk across the parking lot at the same time as a car was reversing.

He pulled out and onto the highway smoothly. Merging was nerve-wracking, but once he’d made it onto the interstate, it was surprisingly similar to what he’d done before.

He felt like he could relax, at least a little bit anyway. That was until he got closer and closer to DC. The number of cars on the highway gradually increased until it was full-blown bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Thankfully, Maia was able to calm him down enough for his rational mind to take over and realize that he could do this. It was just like driving around town, except with more traffic, angrier drivers, and – wait yeah, it was nothing like driving around his small university town.

He was pretty sure the steering wheel had a good imprint of his fingerprints on it by the time they finally put D.C. in their rearview. Alec grimaced when he saw that they only had a few more hours until they would be in his hometown.

Maia was scrolling through her phone and she must have had a sixth sense because she glanced at him.

“Okay now?”

“Yeah, no, I’m good,” Alec lied.

She raised a skeptical brow, “You know I can see right through you”

“Ugh, I know. It’s just – I – it’s kind of just now sinking in.”

“Hey,” she said, straightening in her seat and turning to face him, “I’m right here. You’re not going into this alone, yeah?”

He nodded.

“No one is gonna make you do anything you’re uncomfortable with. If you need to leave, just say so and we’ll leave, no questions asked.”

The words didn’t necessarily make him feel any better, but he appreciated that Maia was trying.

She studied him for a moment, “I know exactly what you’re thinking, Alec. It’s okay, you know if you’re not feeling sure. This has got to be scary for you.”

Alec snorted, “That’s the understatement of the century. This is like all my worst nightmares come to life.”

Maia made a sympathetic noise but didn’t reply. Alec was grateful because, really, how did anyone even respond to that? And Maia knew him well enough to know by now that he wasn’t looking for sympathy.

“I guess I’ve just been thinking about all of these things all this time. You know, what my mom is gonna say, my dad. I mean, I’m pretty sure they never even told Jace and Izzy why I left. And Max was still too little to remember anything. I bet he doesn’t even know who I am.”

“It’s insane,” Alec continued, “I just – I thought when I left that that was it. But now, here I am and it just seems like this out of body experience. It’s hard for me to believe that I’m even here. I sound like a crazy person don’t I?”

“No, Alec, you don’t” Maia’s tone was patient, but not condescending, “You have every right to feel whatever it is you’re feeling right now. What your parents’ did was terrible. But Alec, you’re not the person you were when you left. Think about how far you’ve come.”

That was probably the first thing Maia had said that made him feel even a little bit better about the whole situation.

“You are putting yourself through school. You’re on track to be going to med school in a little over a year. Alec, you freaking go to protests and carry a rainbow messenger bag around. You have a rainbow heart tattooed on your freaking elbow – “

“Hey, that was a dare!” Alec protested, laughing.

“The point I’m trying to make is you’re not scared anymore. You’re proud of who you are and you know what you want in your life. You’re so much stronger than you were back then. Alec, babe, you are going to be fine. Just, don’t let them change you, all right?”

“I won’t,” he said, sharper than he intended and winced. “Sorry, it’s just, I’m not going to let them change me. They can take me the way that I am or not at all. The only reason I’m even going is to say goodbye to Jace.”

“Well, there you go then. I’m not gonna tell you not to worry, that’s stupid. But just, remember that that isn’t who you are anymore, okay?”

“Okay,” He looked over to where she was gazing at him intently from the passenger seat and smiled. “Thank you.”

“It’s what I’m here for,” Maia said, grinning at him as she relaxed back into the seat. “Now pay attention and drive.”

They spent the rest of the drive talking idly about everything and nothing at all.

To Alec’s surprise, while he was still anxious, his anxiety didn’t actually explode the closer they got.

They passed over the state line miles ago and the first sight of clear blue water made his heart lurch.

When they got over the bridge, it was disconcerting how alien and familiar everything was all at the same time. There was the hospital. Over there was the side street that took you down to the high school. On that other side street was the Catholic school he and his siblings had all attended. He wondered if it looked the way that it used to.

Most everything else did. There were the collection of tourist shops that cluttered the boardwalk. As they drove further on into the main part of the island, the shops faded behind them and the houses were spaced farther apart.

Maybe not as far as in New York, but far for this part of the country at any rate. Until there were wide greenways in between stilted pastel wooden clapboards. His parents lived closer to the middle area of the island. It made him breathe a little easier that there was at least that amount of distance between them. For now.

Google directed him to a mint-green clapboard like the others a few streets up. He pulled into the driveway and looked over at Maia.

“You didn’t say his parents owned a beach house.”

“You didn’t ask,” She said. “Now, come on. It isn’t every day I get to see how the other half lives.”

Alec found himself laughing at her ridiculous attempt at a posh British accent as he followed her up the stairs.

Maia unlocked the door and whistled lowly when they stepped inside. Alec felt like he was stepping back in time when life had been maybe a bit easier and he hadn’t found himself pinching for every possible penny to keep the lights on.

“Wow,” She said, running a hand reverently over the walls painted in a seashell blue. “This place is – “

Maia shook her head, “This place is insane. Who even needs a couch that big?”

Alec had to agree with her. The sectional was easily big enough to take up most of his little studio apartment. An equally ridiculously large flat screen hung on the wall opposite it.

The usual pictures of seashells printed on watercolor paper hung on either side of it. Other paintings of the beach and local eateries decorated the rest of the wall space throughout the living room.

A table big enough to seat six people was centered under what he was pretty sure was a genuine crystal chandelier in the dining room.

Past that, he could see the kitchen, which even though it was galley-style, still had what looked like granite countertops and stainless steel appliances.

In-between the dining room and living room was a shadowed doorway. Alec guessed that the bedrooms were in that direction.

“Yeah, this place is,” he blew out a long breath. “Uh, when you said Jordan’s family had property down here this wasn’t exactly what I thought you meant.”

Maia chuckled, “Yeah, you know me neither. Jordan just gave me the address and told me to make myself at home. He said his parents told him that they just had the cleaners in yesterday so everything should be good to go for us.”

“Cleaners,” Alec said, “Should have been your first clue.”

“I mean, yeah, now that I think about it that should’ve tipped me off. Speaking of, you should probably call Neela. I’m gonna call Jordan. Tell her I said hi.”

“I will.”

Maia went out the front door, leaving Alec alone.

Neela answered on the first ring, “Y’all made it okay? No trouble?”

“No trouble,” Alec promised.

“Good, that’s good. How are you handling things?”

“Uh, not gonna lie, I’ve been better but Maia being here helps. She says hi by the way”

“She can’t say hi to me herself?”

“She’s on the phone with Jordan”

“Ah, gotcha. Well, you tell her to text me.”

“I will,” He promised.

“Good, now you’ve had a long couple of days. Go get some rest.”

Alec repeated that he would.

“All righty, you be good. Keep yourself out of trouble.”

“Right,” Alec laughed.

“You’re laughing, but I’m serious. Be good. And don’t be a stranger.”

“I will – I mean I won’t.”

Neela chuckled and then the phone went dead.

Alec slid it into his pocket and went back out the front door down to where they’d parked the car. Maia was sitting on the bottom step, still on the phone with Jordan and Alec had to carefully step around her.

He popped the trunk and slung his duffle over his shoulder, before reaching for his computer bag. Maia stepped out of the way to let him up.

She mouthed that she’d be off the phone in a few minutes. Alec left the keys with her so that she could get her own things and made his way back up the stairs.

Down the hallway were two shuttered, off-white doors to the left and right, with a third door straight ahead. A quick check showed that that was the bathroom.

He picked the right door at random and pushed it open. It swung wide soundlessly, displaying a bedroom that looked like something out of a magazine. The pale wooden floorboards from out in the main part of the apartment continued into the room and contrasted softly with the eggshell color of the walls.

A double bed was centered and pushed flush against one wall with an alarming number of throw pillows decorating the head of it. On either side of the bed were two nightstands, also in a pale wood.

On top of them were two table lamps, one flanked by a cup of shells, the other by a small alarm clock.

There was also a writing desk, which he was grateful for. Just because they were on break didn’t mean he didn’t still have work he ought to be doing.

The most exciting part of the room, though, was the wide bay window that looked out directly onto the beach.

Outside, the sky was slightly gray in color, which was normal for this time of year, but the nearly pure white sand and sea-green of the ocean breaking into sheets of foam more than made up for that.

The window was also tastefully decorated with a mat and more throw pillows. He couldn’t wait to use that as a reading nook.

Looking around the rest of the room, he noticed that there was a rug beside the bed. It had a pale chevron pattern made up of different shades of cream.

The walls had similar décor to the main living space. All in all, it wouldn’t be a bad place to spend the next couple weeks of his life.

He leaned his duffel bag against the desk and laid his computer bag on top of it. He took his phone out and texted Maia that he was going to go for a walk and that he’d be back in a few minutes.

It had been so long since he’d seen the ocean and even though it was cold, okay it was cool, outside, he wanted to walk on the beach.

He’d noticed earlier a side door in the kitchen and if his bet paid off, it would take him right to the boardwalk.

Thankfully, it did and it wasn’t long before he was barefoot with the breeze in his face and the tang of salt in the air.

There was only one other person, a woman who looked to be jogging with her dog. But she was so far away from him that it didn’t seem to matter.

Alec walked until he felt the coldness of the Atlantic on his bare skin. Maybe he hadn’t missed this place exactly, but he did miss this.

The roaring sigh of the ocean as the waves rose and fell in their endless dance. The low squawking of gulls somewhere up above him and the softness of the sand.

It felt like something that had been ever so slightly out of place had somehow clicked. It was strange how much you could miss something without even realizing it at all.

The condo. The ocean. It brought back so many memories, most of them bittersweet.

If he squinted, he could almost see himself as a child, laughing and chasing his siblings. As a teenager, with the warm glow of a fire reflecting on his skin and shielding him from the chill of a November night after a game. His friends, or at least the people he’d thought were his friends, driving endless roads to nowhere with all the bravado they could muster.

Talking about where they’d been, where they were going, and how they couldn’t wait to get out of here. Go anywhere but here.

There was some irony there if he looked for it hard enough. How he couldn’t wait to get out, but once he’d left, he would give anything to come back again. Anything to be riding shotgun and laughing like an idiot with the rest of them. Arguing about stupid things with Jace at the dinner table and his mother kissing him goodnight. Even when he complained that he was too old for her to do that anymore.

The weight of memory tugged him down and he rested on the sand. It cradled him in its cool embrace, the only thing that seemed like it could be the same as it used to be.

He let his hands trail in the water, breaking up the smooth lines of foam and collecting it on his fingers. It stayed for a moment before being whisked away in the wind.

Alec supposed that there was some metaphor to be found there as well, although he was damned if he knew what it was.

Not for the first time, he questioned what he was even doing here. Sure, there was always something akin to peace being back in the place where you came from. Something comforting, like an old worn out shirt that had long since seen its heyday but you kept wearing it anyway because it knew the shape of you like a lover. Knew how to wrap you in its soft embrace and make you feel okay, even when everything wasn’t.

There was something of that here and he was surprised at how much he missed it. But, then again, even though he’d only been back for a few hours, he was realizing how much he’d outgrown this place.

This wasn’t him, not anymore. The people here didn’t want him. His own family didn’t want him.

Like that shirt, he’d outgrown this town years ago, but he still wanted to try it on just to see if it could make him feel the way that it used to. Safe and wanted. Protected and shielded from the worst things that life had to offer by the embrace of familiar people and good times with friends.

But somehow, on accident, the shirt had gotten tossed in the give-away bin, and just like that, it was gone. Maybe he thought he might be able to find it all this time later, but even if he did, it wouldn’t be the same because he wasn’t the same.

The thought didn’t necessarily make him sad, just made him long for what used to be. But even that was a lie.

Alec mused on the idea that he could look back at that and make it seem like it was better than what it was. Because all the times that he was laughing and sharing those times with his family, he was also hiding. Hiding everything about himself because he knew what it would cost him if he let them see him for who he truly was.

Was it some type of that bravado passed down that made him want to stop hiding? Or had it been that he was just tired of pretending? Tired of living a lie?

If Alec was being honest with himself, he still didn’t really know the answer. But he was getting better at asking himself the right questions. And maybe being okay with the idea that even if he got the question right, there would still be no answer.

With that thought, he shoved himself to his feet and took once last look at the ocean that was graying with an incoming storm. He could see the dark clouds building on the horizon. There was a chance it would disappear as quickly as it came, but he hoped for the rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm sure all of you know what I-spy is. I just thought it was fun to include the alphabet game, maybe it was something other people played on road trips? My sister and I would try to find something for every letter of the alphabet and try to make it as ridiculous as possible. It was a lot of fun and a good way to pass the time, so I wanted to include it here. 
> 
> But yeah, so wanted to make this maybe not depressing because I think the next chapter is going to probably be Alec going to see his parents. Not sure how I want that to be, but I'm crossing my fingers that I'll get it out in no more than a week.
> 
> Anyways, thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I felt like I could get this done in a week. But then a bunch of craziness happened over here in the US that I think many, myself included, are still trying to process. But holy shit, I did it. Here is chapter 4. 
> 
> There will be more chapter notes at the end. I hope you all enjoy reading. As always, comments, kudos, and constructive criticism are much appreciated!

After Alec came back from the beach, Maia insisted that they needed groceries. Or, as she put it, real food. And no, ramen did not count as real food.

He was on edge the entire time, afraid he’d run into somebody he knew or, even worse, someone in his family. Thankfully, that only happened one time and it turned out they didn’t even recognize him. Alec couldn’t figure out whether that was a bad thing or a good thing.

Dinner that night was uncharacteristically quiet. Maia’s attempts to draw him into conversation falling mostly flat. Alec felt bad about it. He knew she was just trying to distract him from the epic cataclysm that was about to unfold the next day.

But nothing could get rid of the tight ball in his stomach that was equal parts fear and anxiety. He knew logically any leverage his parents might have had over him had disappeared when he’d walked out the door at eighteen. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t still afraid of the idea of reconfirming just how his parents felt about him.

On his better days, he’d allow himself to indulge in the fantasy that he’d be welcomed back with open arms. How his parents had missed him and were wrong. Yeah, like that would ever happen.

On the worst days, he imagined that if he ever came back they wouldn’t even let him in the door. Or worse, would call the cops and he’d have to deal with Sheriff Yates. Who, as far as he could recall, was a fairly nice woman, but he could only imagine how she’d view him now.

He pushed himself away from the table and picked up his plate.

Maia looked up at him in concern, “Alec, you hardly ate anything.”

“It’s okay, I’m not hungry.” That was definitely true. How could he imagine eating when tomorrow might very well be the second-worst day of his life?

“Alec, you have to eat,” Maia said.

“I did eat, see?” Hey, taking two bites of your food _did,_ technically, count as eating.

Maia sighed. “Fine, but you’re eating breakfast. And coffee doesn’t count.”

Alec nodded, moving to scrape the rest of what was on his plate into a Tupperware he found tucked into a cabinet to the right of the sink. The lid snapped on with an audible ‘click.’ He shoved it into the fridge beside the milk.

Laying a hand on Maia’s shoulder, he said “I think I’m gonna head to bed.”

Maia laid her hand on top of his. She wanted to press him but knew it wouldn’t do any good. When Alec was in a mood like this, it was almost impossible to coax him out of it. And who could really blame him?

So, she let him go without a word and sighed. Sometimes, she wished there was more that she could do for him.

The next morning, Alec was able to shove down a bowl of cereal. It sat in his stomach, leaden, and seemed to weigh him down as much as his thoughts.

Keeping Maia’s words in mind, he had made a conscious choice to put his earrings in and refreshed his nail polish. He’d even forgone a beanie, not ashamed that his hair was longer than his mother or father would’ve approved of.

He’d put on his favorite sweater, one that Maia had gotten him last Christmas. It was done up in rainbow colors and had the words “Got Pride?” plastered across the front of it. He’d put on his brightest pants, which, admittedly, were only a lighter washed shade of black than the rest of his jeans and his combat boots.

Too fucking bad if people stared. He wasn’t about to change who he was just cause he happened to be somewhere else.

Maia grinned when she saw what he was wearing. “Wow, I mean, I know I said don’t change you, but that’s quite a statement.”

Alec mustered up a grin, “I think me being here is enough of a statement.”

She laughed and ruffled his hair as she walked past. Evading his efforts at swatting at her and reaching for a mug.

“Did you eat?” She half-turned to ask the question, preoccupied with rummaging around for the tea bags they’d bought yesterday. Maia didn’t drink coffee often, said it made her jittery, which was ironic considering she worked in a coffee shop but Alec had never questioned it.

He’d put the kettle on when he’d come in and she sent a grateful smile his way.

“Yeah, I ate.”

“I did,” he insisted, at the skeptical expression, she threw over her shoulder. “Look in the dishwasher, there is a bowl in there.”

“Cereal,” she said, as she pointed the spoon she’d used to stir her tea at him, “is not technically a meal, but I’ll allow it.”

“You’re going to eat cereal,” he complained.

“I’m eating oatmeal, it’s not the same,” Maia replied. She poured the rest of the hot water into a bowl and added oatmeal and blueberries to it. “This actually has nutrition in it.”

“Cereal is technically a serving of grains,”

“And sugar,” She sat down across from him.

“Sugar is good.” Alec said, “In small doses.”

He amended the statement to avoid being rapped over the knuckles with whatever was in close reach.

Maia shook her head, “I don’t understand how you eat all that crap”

“It gets worked off.”

“Not sure that’s how _that_ works but okay.” Maia snorted. “Anyways, you’re not going to be able to avoid talking to me forever, you know.”

“I’m not trying to.” Suddenly, his empty mug was very interesting.

“Whatever you say, babe.”

Alec shrugged, “There’s nothing to say, really. I mean, I don’t know, I feel like I’m just really nervous.”

He tugged the sleeves of his sweater over his hands. “I haven’t seen my parents in years. I mean, they don’t even know I’m here.”

“Alec, I get it. I haven’t talked to my parents in years. Or Daniel” She made a face at the mention of her brother’s name. “And I’m not going to try to force you to talk. I just don’t want you bottling stuff up.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to.” Now it was Alec’s turn to grimace, “I think I already know where that ends up. I’ve been journaling.”

At the mention of his journal, Maia’s shoulders seemed to visibly relax. Alec knew that she was worried about him but it wasn’t like he’d never given her cause to worry.

Sophomore year was the worst of it and after she’d basically dragged him to campus health he’d made it more of a point to go there on his own, willingly. Starting up a journal had helped to vent all of the things he was scared to say out loud and it had never gotten that bad again.

He wasn’t about to let it, even though the impending visit to his parents loomed over him like some nameless, faceless monster he’d hidden under the covers from as a child. Except, the monster had a name. He knew the monster or at least, he’d known the monster.

The monster wore his face and shared his eyes. It had his smile. There was no hiding from it because, in a way, it _was_ him.

He’d come a long way in trying to parse out the pieces of himself that weren’t solely derivative of his parents but there were days where sometimes he would look in the mirror and all he could see was his mother staring back at him.

The last couple of days had been like that and it was all he could do to not cover them, the way he’d done when he’d first come to college his freshman year. His campus had an LGBT+ dorm and his roommate had given him a sympathetic, understanding nod when they’d seen it. The coverings hadn’t come off until spring of sophomore year.

“Just, no more seventeens, yeah?”

“Never again,” Alec swore. Seventeens were the name they’d given to the bad days. The days when either one of them wasn’t capable of being alone. It was like a bat signal. He could text her the number and she’d drop everything, same as him. They’d made a pact, together.

In his support groups, he’d always heard about the idea that you could choose your family. But until Maia, he’d never really believed that it was real. Maia was like the sister that he’d lost. Together with Neela, he’d slowly been able to heal the void in his life.

But, it still needed stitches and he was hoping, maybe, that he could finally find the missing thread to close it once and for all.

Maia smiled at him. “Good. Are you sure about this? We can just avoid them. You don’t have to do this.”

“I want to,” Alec insisted. “I just – it’s not exactly that. It’s this weird compulsion, you know? Like I know it’s going to suck but I just want to be able to say that I did it. I guess that doesn’t make any sense.”

“It makes perfect sense,” Maia said. “After I sent that letter freshman year, I told myself I was never going to talk to my parents again. This is your letter. Your way of saying whatever it is you need to say.”

“Right.”

She nodded and pushed herself away from the table. “I’ll be out in a few, okay?”

Alec went to protest but she leveled him with a look that brooked no arguments. “I’m not letting you do this alone. Let me take care of you, all right?”

“Yeah.” He agreed, albeit reluctantly. The idea didn’t sit well with him. It wasn’t easy for him to let other people help him with things.

He scrolled mindlessly through his phone until Maia came back into the kitchen. She wore her signature choker, a leather mini-skirt, and a band tee to some artist he’d never heard of. For once, she wasn’t wearing her leather jacket, it being too hot here for that.

Even though Alec was wearing a sweater, but he was always cold so that didn’t really count.

She took the phone from his hands, ignoring his protests. “Nope, come on.”

Reluctantly, he got to his feet and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Can you drive?”

“Why I thought you’d never ask. M’lady.” She extended a hand outward, signaling for him to go past.

Alec laughed and shook his head as he moved past her and out the front door.

Almost as if on autopilot, he was able to give her the address. He reflected that eating had been a terrible idea. Nausea clawed at the back of his throat and he grasped desperately at Maia’s hand. He forced himself to take shallow breaths as they wended their way closer and closer to his childhood home.

They pulled up to the gate and Alec sat, frozen, for one terrible second as he gazed up at the house that he’d called home for the first eighteen years of his life. It sat behind a neatly kept garden with a wrought iron fence wrapping around the property and a gate with a keypad barring any intruders. He hoped the code still worked after all these years.

“It should be 9518.” He told her. To his amazement, the gates swung inward, allowing them to drive up the perfectly manicured driveway and around the small loop that housed his mother’s and, what he assumed to be, Isabelle’s cars, but he didn’t see his father’s car anywhere.

“This is where you grew up?” Maia asked incredulously.

Alec rubbed a hand along the back of his neck, “Yeah. Welcome to the Hamptons”

“Stop that,” She smacked his arm, “You shouldn’t be ashamed of how you grew up. You can’t control where you were born.”

“Ow,” Alec complained, rubbing his bicep absently, “I just – I don’t want you to think of me any different”

“I oughta smack you again for saying that. You’re still Alec. No matter where you came from.”

Alec found himself smiling, despite himself.

“Yeah, see, I made you laugh,” She grinned, “Now come on. Are you ready?”

He shrugged, “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

Ascending the front steps felt like he was walking to his execution. He might as well have been.

With a shaky hand, he knocked on the door using the wrought-iron knocker that, according to his mother, was original to the house.

He shoved his hands in his pockets again and waited impatiently. Distantly, he heard the sounds of footsteps approaching the door, and then it swung open.

His mother stared at him, speechless. “Alec, is that –is that you?”

Alec couldn’t find the words to speak. There were no words that he could say. All of them would pale in comparison to seeing his mom standing in front of him after all this time.

The want to reach out and hold her warred with the part of him that flinched from the last memory he had of her.

“Yeah, it’s me,”

“Oh my God, Izzy!” Maryse turned half into the house to shout for his sister, before turning back to face them. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

Her hands fluttered uncertainly, “Oh, come in, come in,” she gestured impatiently and moved to allow them into the house.

Alec sent a confused glance to Maia who shrugged.

With nothing else better to do, he did as his mom asked and stepped past her into the foyer. Inside, the house was completely different from how he remembered.

Gone were the stuffy portraits of Lightwoods past and the grand piano that had cluttered the entranceway. The walls were no longer the deep red he remembered from his childhood but instead a bright pink.

Even the furniture was different. No, it had nothing to do with the furniture. It had everything to do with how it _felt_. When Alec came back here, he’d never imagined that it would be like this. It was so _light_. How strange of a word for a place that had haunted his nightmares for so many years.

A sniffle behind him made him turn. Was his mom, crying?

She swiped hastily at her eyes and gestured to the sofa, “Sit down. I’ll bring, well I don’t know. Make yourselves comfortable.”

With that, she disappeared into the back of the house.

Uncertain, Alec sat, Maia practically glued to him as she did the same.

“Uh, is that normal?” She asked in a hushed voice.

Alec shook his head.

“Your mom doesn’t seem like how I thought she would be.”

“Trust me, I’m not so sure that woman _is_ my mom.”

Maia giggled.

Before she could respond, Maryse had returned with two glasses in either hand. She put them on the coffee table and sat on the opposite couch. “Izzy will be here in a minute. It’s just, I can’t believe you’re here.”

“Actually – “ Alec started.

“I invited him.” Izzy stood framed in the doorway to the living room. She looked the same as he’d seen her the last time, but maybe not quite as done up. In fact, she looked tired with dark circles under her eyes and her hair braided haphazardly over one shoulder.

“Isabelle,”

“I’m sorry, I know what you said I just.”

“Wait,” Alec interjected, “What is going on here?”

Maryse turned to him and knitted her hands together. “I’m sorry, this must all be so confusing. I guess I should start at the beginning. Sit” She said, pointing to an armchair to the left of the sofa Maia and Alec were currently sitting on. Evidently, because Izzy had been trying to slip out unnoticed.

“Oh, Alec, I never even imagined you’d come back here after all the horrible things that I said. I know it doesn’t make up for anything but for whatever it’s worth, I _am_ sorry. I’ve wanted to reach out to you all this time, but I know you probably wouldn’t have wanted to hear from me.”

Alec sat, speechless. Finally, he found his voice, “You mean you don’t hate me?”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Izzy flinch but he couldn’t find it in himself to be sorry for what he said.

“I wish I could I say I never hated you, but that’s not quite true. And that makes _me_ wrong, Alec. I should have never said any of those things and I should’ve never let you walk out the door like that. Almost as soon as you left, I wanted to take it all back.”

“So where have you been?” Alec asked, “Where were you when I needed you?! Did you even care?”

To his mother’s credit, she didn’t fall apart in the face of his anger, “You’re right. I should’ve been there. I tried, Alec, in the ways that I could. I know you wouldn’t want me interfering, but oh, what does that matter? I was wrong Alec, and I will regret that every day of my life. You have every right to be angry and every right to never forgive me. I kept praying that maybe, somehow, I’d have the chance to do this all over.”

“Do what all over?! Disowning me? Telling me that I wasn’t your son?!”

“All of that and more.” She lifted her chin. “But know this I did not ask your sister to find you. I don’t even know _how_ she found you.”

That made Alec pause. “Wait, you didn’t send her?”

“No,” Maryse shook her head, “Which means you have some explaining to do.”

Izzy fidgeted under the weight of their mother’s stare, “I know it was wrong.”

“Isabelle, what did you do?”

“I maybe, _maybe_ might have hacked into your computer? And then it’s possible I may have hacked into the college’s website?” She toyed with the ends of her hair.

“You did _what_? Isabelle that is private –“

“Wait,” Alec interrupted, “Why did you need to hack into her computer?”

Maryse sighed, “I suppose you’ll have to forgive me for something else, Alec. I just – I just wanted to help. I didn’t want it to seem like I was getting in the way.”

“What are you talking about?” Alec was growing more confused by the moment.

“When your school gave you the scholarship, it wasn’t exactly the amount of money they said it was. I wanted to help so I signed a contract with the school to cover the rest of it.”

Alec didn’t know what to say.

“I know, I know, you wanted to do it by yourself and I tried to let you. I just – I couldn’t _not_ help-“

“Stop” Alec held up a hand, “So you knew where I was this entire time?!”

He couldn’t believe this. “And what? You couldn’t pick up the phone? Didn’t even bother sending a damn card?!”

“Alec you have to understand – “

“No, I really, really don’t. I don’t _have_ to do anything. How – how can you just – just sit there and preach at me like what? You expect us to hug and make up? You kicked me out of my home! You lied to me! You lied to Jace and –and Izzy! And what about Max? Did you even tell him why I left?”

Alec was on his feet now, anger making his vision darken around the edges. How _dare_ she? How _dare_ his mother try and act like she somehow cared about him? If she really cared about him she’d have come to visit or even sent him a letter. No matter that he wouldn’t have let her in or even read the damn thing. It would’ve at least shown that she was trying.

He didn’t soften his tone as he saw the hurt look cross his mother’s features.

“You don’t,” he stopped, swiping at his eyes as tears began to pool at the corners, unbidden. “You don’t get to sit there and talk to me like I’m a child. You know what? You don’t get a do-over. And throwing money at your problems doesn’t make them just disappear! I’m your son, not your goddamn bank account! You don’t get to just give me money and then expect me to be grateful.”

Maia reached up to place a soothing hand on his arm but he shook her off.

“I don’t want to hear it. I didn’t even want to be here.” He waved his arms around to indicate the room. It was nowhere near as oppressive as before, but in its own way, it was just as garish. Just as much a testament to all that he’d gained and lost in a matter of moments. “I only came because she – “

He brandished a finger at Izzy. “Put this crazy idea in my head that I could maybe come here and have I don’t know some kind of closure. But you’re just the same, you don’t want to hear what I have to say at all – “

Alec cut himself off, afraid of what words might come out of his mouth next.

Maryse got to her feet, “I know I deserve all of that. But Alec – “

“No, whatever excuses you’re about to give me, I don’t want to hear them. I should’ve known it would go like this. It always just the same. Always about you. Well, what about me?! Never mind, forget it.”

He turned to Maia, “You can stay but I’m out of here.”

Alec ignored the sound of them trying to call him back. He stormed out the front door and let it slam behind him.

He scaled the garden fence just like he’d done when he was younger and dropped down on the other side. He quickly lost himself by blending in with a family that had evidently just come from touring one of the historic homes nearby.

Once he was far enough away, he walked until his feet hit the sand. Of course, he’d wind up back here again.

Bending down, he yanked at the laces on his boots and managed to kick them off, ignoring the bewildered stares of the people around him.

He tied the laces together, tucked his socks into his shoes, and slung them over his neck.

That done, he set off up the beach. Well, this place hadn’t changed too much and the path was there just like he remembered it.

It took him past the tourists and the boarders. Past the retirees with their sun hats and other college students sunbathing on the beach. Around the bend of the island to a more secluded section of the beach that only stretched for a few hundred feet before being swallowed up by the ocean.

He used to come here as a child to play in the tide pools, but that wasn’t why he was here today. He marched past them and found a bare patch of sand to drop his shoes on.

Stripping his sweater over his head, he tossed it beside them and impatiently shoved off his jeans before wading into the coldness of the Atlantic.

The water swirled around his waist, eddying and shaping itself around his body. Almost as if he’d become a part of it. Alec submerged himself and coughed at the sharp bite of brine on his tongue.

Cursing, he fell backwards, letting himself float – weightless. It helped to silence the thoughts still cascading and crashing together like raging titans in his mind.

He didn’t want to think about any of that, not at all. Anger made him feel not himself, so out of control.

Like this, it seemed like he could ground himself and not let himself be swept away by his emotions. No matter that that’s what he wanted to do, but he knew that it never led anywhere good.

So, he just floated, and let the sounds of the waves lull him into a half-dream like state. He wasn’t asleep because, duh, he wasn’t stupid. No one fell asleep in the ocean.

But drifting like this was almost like meditation. He could’ve stayed in here forever except.

“Hey! Are you okay?”

A man’s voice startled him. He lost his balance and went under, spluttering as he inhaled a lungful of saltwater.

A strong arm around his waist and he was being pulled up to the surface. Still coughing, Alec pushed his wet hair out of his eyes and pushed at the grip keeping him pressed up against the other person.

“I’m fine,” He managed, finally getting himself under control.

But the person wouldn’t let go. “Well, if you call drowning fine, then sure, you look perfectly all right to me.”

The tone was mocking but the voice was – almost musical. Alec quit struggling long enough to take a look at his so-called rescuer.

He was tall, about as tall as Alec. Gorgeous cat eyes turned up at the corners over a lush mouth, and dark hair falling wet over his forehead.

He felt himself turning red and tried to will down his body’s reaction. “I wasn’t drowning.”

“So being half-submerged in water and floating is not drowning?” The stranger’s eyes glinted with ill-concealed amusement.

“It’s called drifting,” Alec retorted, as he was reluctantly dragged back to the beach and deposited onto a towel. Which, where did that even come from?

“Ah, drifting.” The man laughed, “Must be all the rage with cute college boys.”

He winked at Alec and this time, Alec wasn’t quite able to suppress the blush that suffused his cheeks.

Alec didn’t know how to respond to the stranger’s casual flirting. It wasn’t like he usually got this sort of attention. He bit his lip and stared at his hands.

The stranger didn’t seem to take offense at his lack of response. He squatted down in front of Alec and held up two fingers. “How many fingers do you see?”

Alec couldn’t stop himself from laughing. “There’s two. I’m not concussed.”

“Just had to make sure,” The man threw himself onto the towel beside Alec. “You know, I’ve never seen you around here before.”

“Is that you’re way of saying do you come here often?” Alec asked, risking another glance at the handsome stranger.

“Is it working?” Came the casual reply.

“A bit,” Alec replied, honestly.

“Hmm, a bit, guess I need to work on my people skills. I’m Magnus by the way.”

“Alec.” He couldn’t help but think that that was an unusual name. Which seemed fitting because the man seemed more than a bit…unusual.

“Alec? Is that short for something?” Magnus wrung his hair out and leaned back on his hands, looking at Alec out of the corner of his eye.

“Uh, yeah. But, I kind of hate my given name.”

“Me too.” Magnus replied easily, “That’s why I decided to change it.”

Alec found himself laughing again. It was surprising how easily this stranger was making him laugh. He usually didn’t warm up to people this quickly but there was something about him.

“So,” Magnus drawled, “Why were you not drowning?”

“I kind of had a fight with my mom,” Alec muttered. He still didn’t feel like talking about it, but again, something about Magnus had him blurting the words out before he could decide if he actually wanted to.

“How does one kind of have a fight? Never mind forget I said that. I’ve been told I need to work on my manners. So, pretty boy, what was the fight with your mom about?”

Alec found himself blushing again at being called pretty. No one, literally no one, had ever called _him_ pretty before.

“It’s kind of a long story.”

“Well,” Magnus said, “It’s not every day that I meet an attractive stranger on the beach. I’m sure I could find the time to listen.”

Alec turned to look at him, but he was now staring out into the ocean, as if completely oblivious to what he’d just said. “Okay, well, it started about three years ago.”

Magnus made a noise in the back of his throat but otherwise didn’t respond.

Alec found himself dropping his gaze to his fingers that were now interlaced over his bent knees. “I um, I came out to my family then. They uh – they didn’t take it well. I guess that’s kind of an understatement. My parents they – they kicked me out”

“Nice parents.”

“Yeah. Well, long story short. I moved away for college, like far, far away and I got on with my life the best that I could. Then, out of nowhere, my sister showed up. Turns out my little brother is sick and so, like an idiot I came back.”

When Magnus didn’t say anything, Alec continued, “I thought – I don’t know what I thought. But it turns out my mom has known where I’ve been this entire time. And she can help pay for my college, but she can’t bother to call me or – or anything! And then she just had this prepared speech like what, I’m supposed to be grateful she’s just throwing money at me?”

Alec faltered.

Magnus turned so that he was facing Alec, sitting cross-legged and letting his hands settle loosely into his lap. “So, you’re mad that your mom is paying for your college? Cause, trust me, that isn’t something I would be mad about.”

“No,” Alec shook his head, “That’s not the part I’m mad about. Well, I’m kind of mad but only because she didn’t tell me. I guess I’m more upset about the fact that she didn’t call.”

Magnus shrugged. “People do strange things. I think maybe your mom felt guilty or maybe that she didn’t think you wanted to hear from her. Not saying that’s an excuse.”

“When I left, my dad told me I wasn’t even his son,” Alec said softly.

“Did your mom say that?” Magnus asked gently.

“No, actually she was fighting my dad. But she still let him kick me out.” He toyed with a stray thread on his boxers.

“Seems like your mom made a choice and it was, admittedly, a really bad one. It seems like she at least wants to try to make amends. But what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Do you want to make amends with her?”

Alec frowned. “I don’t really know.”

“Well, I can’t tell you what to do, but I will say. I would give anything to be able to talk to my mom one more time, the way she used to be.”

Alec wanted to ask more but felt like it wouldn’t be appropriate considering they’d just met. It didn’t seem like something you just asked.

It did make him pause. Did he actually want to be angry with his mom? Did he deserve to be angry at his mom? There was no doubt that he did. But he had to wonder if it was doing him any good to hold onto these feelings.

“You don’t have to know right now,” Magnus continued, “Just give it some thought. But I bet whoever you came here with is looking for you. I don’t suppose that you usually go swimming in your underwear.”

Alec flushed and cleared his throat. “Usually no.”

Magnus laughed, “Usually? I’ll keep that in mind.”

Ignoring him, Alec tugged on his sweater and jeans, ignoring the fact that his underwear was still slightly damp.

“Nice sweater,” Magnus commented, as he also got to his feet.

“My best friend got it for me.”

“I like this friend.”

“Well, she just might kill me when she finds me again.”

Magnus chuckled. “Well, then I guess you better hurry, pretty boy. I’ll walk with you”

Alec started to protest but Magnus was already collecting his things, slinging his towel over his shoulder and grabbing a pair of flip-flops that Alec hadn’t noticed before.

He turned and cocked an eyebrow at Alec expectantly. “Shall we?”

Seeing that there was no use in protesting, Alec nodded.

They set off back up the beach.

Magnus glanced at him, “So, what are you studying.”

“Uh, pre-med actually. Well, I’m a double major. Biology. I uh, also study Latin.”

Magnus whistled, “Cute _and_ smart.”

Alec found himself flushing again and didn’t know how to respond.

Thankfully, Magnus didn’t seem to need his input all that much. “So you want to be a doctor or what?”

“That’s kind of the plan,” Alec said, shrugging slightly, “I’m not sure what specialty yet, but I feel like I have time to figure that out. But what about you?”

“What about me?”

“What do uh, what do you do for work?” Alec risked looking at Magnus out of the corner of his eye and immediately regretted it. The man was studying him with an intensity that made him feel uncomfortably nervous. No one ever looked at him the way that Magnus was right now. Like he was an interesting problem or puzzle that he couldn’t quite figure out, but was hellbent on trying to.

“Well, since you’re asking. I’m a scientist, well marine biologist more specifically.”

“Really, that’s cool. That’s what my friend wants to do.”

“Coincidences upon coincidences.” Magnus chuckled.

Alec found himself grinning in response. “Yeah –“

Whatever he was about to say was cut abruptly short by a loud shout of his name from up the beach. He looked up and realized that they were almost back to the boardwalk. There, standing at the edge of the pier, was Maia, and she looked pissed.

“Oh no.” Alec groaned, “She’s definitely going to kill me.”

“Is that the friend you were telling me about?”

“One and the same. Can we just turn around and pretend like we never saw her?”

Magnus laughed. “If only. From experience, I can tell you it’s better to face her now than later if you run away again.”

Alec sighed, knowing he was right. “But she’s so scary when she’s mad.”

“It’ll be okay. I’m sure she’s more worried than angry.”

By now, they were basically at the edge of the pier, and hell itself couldn’t have stopped Maia from marching down the ramp and meeting them at the end.

“Where have you been? I – _we_ have been worried sick about you Alec! What happened to talking about your problems and not running away?”

Alec winced. “I’m sorry, I know –“

“No, you listen to me! I didn’t know where you were. I have spent the last hour wandering up and down this beach looking for you. Your sister said you’d be here but when I couldn’t find you –“

She cut herself off.

Alec felt terrible. “I didn’t mean to make you worry. I was just mad. I wasn’t thinking.”

“Damn straight you weren’t.” She cuffed him over the back of the head. “Don’t you ever do that to me again.”

Then he was being pulled into a fierce hug as she cupped his face in her hands, turning it this way and that. He pulled away, disgruntled, and heard Magnus laugh.

Maia startled at the sound and looked up, noticing Magnus for the first time. She grinned, “Well, well, well, Alec” she elongated the last syllable of his name teasingly, “Who is this?”

The way she could go from being angry to flirty in no time was terrifying. Alec shook his head.

Magnus bowed theatrically, “Magnus Bane, at your service. Pleased to meet you.”

Maia giggled, “Same here. I hope Alec didn’t give you any trouble.”

“No trouble at all,” He looked over at Alec and made no mistake of raking his eyes over him, “In fact, I would say he was downright pleasant.”

Alec found himself reddening at the leer Magnus sent his way.

Maia glanced between them with a calculating expression that was, for lack of a better word, unnerving. “Hmm. Well, glad to hear it. I suppose we’ll let you get back to your day then.”

Magnus inclined his head, then turned to Alec, “One last thing. Your phone, please.”

“My phone?” Alec asked, confused. But Maia was already reaching into her pocket. She unlocked it and handed it off to Magnus.

A moment later, Magnus was putting it into his palm and curling his fingers over it. “I prefer texting, but you can call me anytime pretty boy. Adieu, mademoiselle.”

With that, Magnus turned to head up the ramp to the boardwalk. When he got to the top of it, he raised a hand in a jaunty wave.

Alec stared after him, not entirely sure what just happened.

Maia nudged his shoulder, “So what was that all about?”

Tearing his gaze away from Magnus’ disappearing form, Alec asked. “What was what all about?”

“Oh come on, he was _cute_. Don’t tell me you didn’t notice.”

Blushing, Alec ducked his head, “Of course I noticed.”

“And he was really into you, pretty boy,” She teased, grinning.

Alec spluttered, but couldn’t quite come up with a coherent response.

Nudging his shoulder again, Maia laughed, “Hey, I think you should go for it. He gave you his number.”

The thought made Alec feel vaguely nauseous. He’d never gotten anyone’s number before. Actually, he’d never even been on a date before.

He said as much to Maia who shrugged.

“There’s a first time for everything.” And no way was that _not_ meant to be a double entendre.

“Maybe I will,” he blustered.

“Good. Now,” Maia said, “We’re going to at least go see your sister so that she knows you’re alive. It’s okay, you don’t really have to talk to her, she was just really worried about you.”

“I think I want to,” Alec said, surprised at himself. “I don’t know if I’m ready to talk to my mom just yet, but uh, I want to talk to Izzy.”

Maia gave him a searching look, then nodded. “Okay, whatever you want. But no more running away.”

She held up her hand and Alec locked his pinky with hers. “Promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I need to say that I wrote Alec's interaction with Maryse like that because I feel like in a lot of these situations both parties are entitled to their own emotions, whether those are right or wrong. Clearly, Alec has some thinking to do but I wanted to make it clear, and hopefully I did, that his choice to have a relationship with his mom is his choice. But, that's a process that takes time and it probably will be sped up as this is a fanfiction but over the next chapter or two, I would like to explore Alec's relationship with Izzy and Jace. Hopefully, barring any more craziness, I will actually be able to get that done in a week. 
> 
> On another note, Magnus and Alec finally met! Just like in the show, and sort of (?) in the books, I wanted to make Magnus a shameless flirt. I feel like maybe it's a bit OOC here, but it was fun to write so I said to heck with it and did it anyways. 
> 
> That being said, I hope you enjoyed reading! Thank you as always for all of your lovely comments!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is Izzy and Alec talking a bit. I tried to make it make sense in regards to processing difficult emotions. I hope I somewhat succeeded? I'm not sure but I tried lol. Either way, here's the next chapter. The next one is going to be about Alec and Jace talking. Uh, that will probably take me a while to write out. But either way, I hope you all enjoy reading!
> 
> As always, comments, kudos, and constructive criticism are always much appreciated!

_I think you and your sister should talk._ Alec frowned. Maia’s words from only a few hours earlier were coming back to haunt him as he waited impatiently for his sister.

A week ago, he never thought he’d be here, waiting to have a heart-to-heart with his estranged sister. Much less, that he’d be back in his hometown.

Yet, here he was, sitting in a teashop. Which, when they’d gotten a teashop here he didn’t have a clue but this is where Izzy had asked they meet.

He couldn’t help the nervous bouncing of his leg as the minutes ticked closer to the hour.

Checking his phone again, he saw it was about five minutes until three but it felt like an eternity. He couldn’t imagine what Izzy had thought when he’d left, much less what she would think of him now.

_…with me, there will always be a place for you_. Alec wondered how much she’d meant those words and if she still meant them. It was a nice sentiment, but as far as he knew, Izzy was just as devout as their parents and probably didn’t approve of the whole gay thing.

You never could tell how time could change people, though.

He knew the moment Izzy walked in because the din of the shop hushed just slightly. His sister had a knack for attracting attention, even without her fashion choices. He saw that today she was wearing knee-high stockings with heeled oxfords, a burgundy mini-skirt, and a shirt in some type of transparent fabric that moved when she walked.

Their eyes met above the bent heads of the other patrons hunched over their cups and Izzy gave him a tentative smile. He wanted to return it, but some part of him wanted to keep his emotions close, protected.

She dropped her bag beside the chair opposite him and slid into it. “You came.”

He nodded, not entirely sure what to say. 

“I-I wasn’t sure you would after…” She faltered.

“To be honest, I’m not sure what I’m doing here either.”

Izzy studied him for a moment. “I know you’re mad and you have every right to be.”

She fiddled with a ring on her left middle finger, “I just – I guess I was being selfish.”

Alec shook his head. “What do you mean?”

“After you left, or, I should say, after mom and dad kicked you out, Jace and I we really didn’t know what was going on. It was so confusing and I – _we_ couldn’t believe that you’d left by choice, even then. It just didn’t seem like you to go without saying goodbye.”

"I guess I always wondered why, you know? Then, mom and dad were fighting even more, especially with you gone. It was like they just gave up on each other?”

She lifted one shoulder and let it drop, “Somehow in the midst of all of that, the secret came out. Mom and dad were arguing again and then out of nowhere, mom just let it slip. I could tell that none of us were ever meant to know.”

“Max didn’t know what was going on, thankfully, but Jace and I were so mad. All this time we’d been told that you’d abandoned us and in the end, it was our parents who’d abandoned you.”

Alec felt his heart twist at the obvious distress playing across his sister’s features. Not for the first time, he wondered how their parents could be so cruel. To lie to his siblings like this. Tell them that he’d abandoned them for what? Why would he ever do that?

They’d taken away so many years from them.

“Izzy, I didn’t know,” Alec said softly. All his anger at her had dissipated it seemed. He realized that it was never really her that he was angry with. Okay, maybe he’d been a little bit angry, but finding out she’d been duped just like him had quickly made those feelings diminish in their intensity. Now, all he felt was regret and sadness at the wasted time.

“Yeah well, that makes two of us.” She cleared her throat and made a face. “That guy’s giving us the evil eye, we should probably order something?”

He nodded, “Yeah, okay.”

“Come on,” Izzy inclined her head, “Let’s take it to go. That is if you don’t mind walking?”

He shrugged, “That’s fine with me.”

Alec watched as his once shy sister walked up to the counter, not even letting him pull out his wallet, and ordered their drinks. Maybe time really did change people.

They left the café behind and wandered down the street to the boardwalk. It stretched most of the length of town and was part of what drew people to the island.

There were couples and families still strolling leisurely, soaking up the heat from the sun. He had to admit, the weather here was much nicer than New York. If he was there now, no doubt he’d be buried under several inches of snow.

Izzy waited to speak until they’d put some distance between themselves and the other people.

“I guess at first, I was mad at you. You were – are my big brother. I remember how much you were there for me through everything.”

Alec shoved his hands into his pockets, feeling slightly awkward but not sure what to say. As he was deciding whether or not he should respond, Izzy continued talking.

“You were always there. You were the one who taught me how to read, how to tie my shoes, how to ride a bike. You always listened even when you had other things to do. I guess I didn’t realize how much I’d miss you until suddenly you were gone.”

“I mean, I’m not blaming you. I’m just saying it was hard. Jace tried but he couldn’t be you.” She finished softly.

“Izzy, I wanted to be there. You have no idea how much. I used to write you guys letters, send cards on your birthday, but they'd always be sent back. I never stopped wanting to see you though. It never did stop hurting when I’d send them and they’d always come back unopened.”

She inhaled sharply, “Oh, Alec. That’s –“

He shook his head, “It’s in the past, Iz. Can’t change it so…” Alec shrugged. “Anyway, I guess you must have a million questions for me.”

“Yes and no. Like, I want to know what you’ve been up to. What your life is like now. But really, I just want my big brother back.”

Alec smiled wistfully, “I’m not the person you used to know. To tell you the truth, I thought I’d given up on the idea of family a long time ago.”

“What made you change your mind?”

He wondered how much to reveal to her. Could he trust what she was saying? He weighed the options in his mind and settled for the most neutral one.

“Time. Met a couple of good people.”

“Like Maia?”

Sometimes he forgot just how smart she was. She could see right through his, admittedly feeble, deflection. 

He nodded. “Yeah, like Maia.”

“She seems like a good friend.”

Friend was much too shallow a word to describe what Maia meant to him.

“She is.”

Izzy cleared her throat and stopped to lean on the railing. Alec slowed his steps until he, too, stopped, just a few paces ahead of her.

She looked out where the sunlight was sparking off the water for a moment and then dropped her gaze to her cup cradled between her hands.

“I just, I have so many questions and all these emotions inside me.”

Alec could tell this was going to take a minute so he slid down until he was seated against the railing. He crossed his legs and set his cup in his lap. Leaning his head back, he waited for her to speak.

He was surprised when Izzy settled down beside him, folding her legs and allowing the tops of their knees to brush.

A long, interminable moment settled between them, filled with the subtle sigh of the breeze and the distant murmur of cars and people passing by.

Izzy traced the logo of the teashop on the top of her cup as she began to speak.

“I guess I should start at the beginning. That day, when you left, it was just a normal day. I was at the college. I think for a coding class. I remember wondering why mom was so late picking me up. She didn’t say anything when she got there. It was so weird, the whole drive home there was this _silence_. I can’t explain it other than mom just looked so sad.”

Alec closed his eyes and let her words wash over him. He imagined his mother regretting her decision but found that he couldn’t quite overlay that thought with reality.

Izzy took a deep breath and a long drink before she spoke again. “When we got home, the house was quiet, eerie almost. Mom told me to go straight to my room and she’d talk to me when Jace got home. I think he was at karate practice, no, he must’ve been doing tae-kwon-do then, I don’t remember.

I guess it doesn’t matter. It felt like I was waiting forever before Jace got home. It wasn’t long after that that mom and dad came upstairs. They said that you guys had had a fight, you got mad and left. I couldn’t believe it. I thought they were lying.

I remember thinking that you’d come home. I waited all night looking out the window, hoping that you’d come back but – you never did.”

She took another drink. “After that, it was like your name was forbidden in the house. Mom took down all your pictures off the walls. I could hear her sometimes, you know. Crying. She didn’t think that I could hear her but sometimes if I came home when she wasn’t expecting me to I’d find her in your room. I never told her I knew that she did that.

Then, mom and dad started fighting a lot. I guess I know why now. But back then, I just remember thinking how awful it was. Jace and I would bring Max into my room and let him listen to whatever he wanted to as long as he didn’t try to go downstairs. I still think he heard some of it, but, we did what we could.”

Izzy shrugged helplessly. Alec wanted to comfort her but knew that she had to talk. He knew exactly what that was like. Sometimes the words wouldn’t come. But sometimes they poured out of you in a torrent so strong it threatened to take you under.

“Anyway, I guess I don’t have to tell you that the divorce wasn’t pretty. Dad was having an affair again so mom kicked him out. To tell you the truth, I haven’t seen him in months.”

Alec absorbed this information but didn’t quite know what to do with it. It didn’t surprise him necessarily but it made his heart ache for his siblings.

Drawing her knees to her chest, Izzy spoke to the space between them. “It seemed like everything was going from bad to worse. Once dad left, mom tried to pretend that everything was okay. She did her best but…”

She trailed off, lost in thought. “Then, Jace started acting really weird. Sleeping through class. Kept complaining that his neck hurt. He’d get weird bruises in places that he didn’t before. Behind his knees, things like that. Mom finally took him to the doctor and well, congratulations, he had cancer. It felt like everything was so out of control.

First you, then dad, then Jace. I felt like I was losing everything. I thought – I thought that maybe if I found you I could try to make sense out of everything, but it seems like I just caused more problems than I solved.”

“Izzy – “ he started.

“No, I mean I know it was stupid. I should’ve just left well enough alone. But I just couldn’t. I still don’t understand. I thought, maybe – if you came back maybe things would be the way they used to – “

She began to shake and some protective instinct had him reaching out to pull her into his arms. He reflected, as he tucked her head under his chin, that although they had grown, maybe time couldn’t change everything.

It made him think back to when life was simpler. When the biggest thing he had to worry about was not letting their mom know that Jace had pushed Izzy down and made her scrape her knee. A time when he’d pull her into his arms much like this and let her cry out all her pain.

It wasn’t much but maybe it could be a start. Wet warmth soaked into the fabric of his sweater as he stroked her hair.

He began humming and realized, as he was almost through the first verse; it was the song their mother had sung to them as children. An old French lullaby he couldn’t remember the name of if he tried but the melody was still there.

It recalled images of being small, his mother’s hand warm and soothing on his back as she chased away the imaginary monsters in the darkness.

As he came to the end of the song, he realized that Izzy had stopped crying.

“I haven’t heard that song in so long.” Her voice was muffled by his sweater, “Thank you”

His instinct was to draw away. After all, it was what he was good at. If he built up the walls high enough then no one could scale them and get past his defenses.

But he considered, not for the first time, whether that was actually more of a hindrance or a help. Unbidden, now it was Magnus’ words that were rising up like the spirits of the damned to hound his thoughts. Once again, he wondered whether holding onto those feelings was worth it.

He pushed down the part of him that told him to pull away. It was a trick. She was just trying to use him.

It took more strength than he would admit to speak. “Izzy, none of that was your fault, okay? You didn’t make dad be shitty any more than you made him kick me out of the house.”

He was struck with the realization of how _young_ Izzy was. It was not exactly naiveté, but a youthful idea that perhaps it would just take one thing to put all the broken pieces back together again.

Alec couldn’t recall if he had ever had a moment, a true moment, where he was allowed to be this way. Sadness welled up inside of him at the realization that some last remaining part of childhood belief had been swept out from under Izzy’s feet.

She was much too old for placations. Much too old to fall for the old hat that everything would somehow be okay.

Alec was a lot of things, but a liar was not one of them. “I know you’re too smart to believe me if I tell you things will work out. I can’t promise you that. I can’t even say that I’m not still angry you came and found me in New York.”

He sighed, “But, I’m starting to realize maybe I was never really angry with you. I had all of these ideas in my head. For me, maybe it was easier to just believe that you all didn’t want me. It hurt, but it hurt less than imagining that one of you was out there waiting for me to come back and I never could.

I thought that I had moved on. I thought that I was over all of this. Now I’m thinking that was just something I told myself so that I could sleep at night. I realize now that there’s still a lot of things I’m not okay with and to tell you the truth, one of them is how I left things with you and Jace and Max.

I know it wasn’t something I could control, logically anyway. But there’s still some part of me that tells me I should’ve tried harder. I always wondered if I would ever have the chance to come back and say goodbye, the right way.

If I’m being honest, Izzy, I came here with every intention of saying goodbye and never seeing any of you again. But, this – _you_ make me realize that maybe I can’t do that. I don’t know where things sit with mom. I’m still really pissed off and I’m not sure if I’ll ever manage to not be angry about that. I think – I think that I’d like to try and get to know you again. I mean, I don’t know if you want –“

“Yes,” Izzy interrupted him, sitting up and wiping at her eyes. She drew her hair over one shoulder and toyed with the ends before looking up at him. Her eyes were slightly reddened from crying, lashes clumping together with unshed tears. “Alec, I want to make things right with you, if nothing else. I wasn’t lying when I said there will always be a place for you with me. I’m not mom, Alec, and I’m not dad.

I used to be so brainwashed. I believed all of that crap, but not anymore. If God is going to tell me that I need to hate my own brother, I can’t do that. No, I _won’t_ do that. I don’t care if mom and dad aren’t happy about it.”

She smiled tentatively at him and this time there was no hesitation as he smiled back at her.

They sat for a while, catching up mostly. But the sun was setting and maybe it was some remnant of big brother instinct that made him not want Izzy to drive home in the dark. He said as much and they collected their cups.

He walked with her to where she’d left her car by the teashop and declined her offer to give him a ride. It was only a few blocks up and he needed the space to think.

By the time he got back, he felt slightly more settled about some things anyway. He at least knew that he wanted to get to know his sister again. Not having Izzy, really any of his siblings, had been one of the hardest parts.

Knowing that he had the chance to reconnect was soothing some of that old hurt.

Although he still had no idea what to do about his mom. Did he love her? Without question. She was his mother. But, he also couldn’t bring himself to forgive her, nor to let go of his anger. He wasn’t even sure that he wanted to.

All the harm she’d done, either intentionally or unintentionally, would be hard to reconcile with and it was a task too big to tackle given everything else that had happened.

He pushed the thought to the back of his mind and started when his phone pinged. It wasn’t Maia. He’d told her he would be out for at least a few hours and he was back earlier than he thought he’d be. It wasn’t Neela either. He’d already texted her earlier to give her a rundown. It had taken a lot of persuading to convince her not to drive down and take care of things herself.

He opened it and saw he had a text from Izzy.

_I just wanted to let you know I talked with Jace. He wants to see you._

Right. The reason he’d even come here in the first place. He thought about seeing Jace again and his heart ached at the thought. Would he hate him?

Well, Izzy didn’t seem to hate him and Jace _had_ asked to see him. Maybe it was better to rip it off like a Band-Aid.

Before he could change his mind, he typed back a quick reply.

_When?_

It was a moment before she responded. _Visitor hours start at 8 but he’s usually pretty tired. 11?_

_That’s fine._

She sent back a heart emoji. He stared at it for a moment before locking his phone and shoving it into his pocket.

Realizing he’d been standing on the sidewalk like an idiot, he made his way back up to the condo.

Maia was curled up on the couch. He could just see the top of her head, Grey’s Anatomy playing softly on the T.V.

She sat up at the sound of the front door closing, “How did it go?”

He kicked off his shoes and sank into the couch beside her. “Okay, I think?”

“Why the question mark?”

“I don’t know. This all seems so surreal.”

Maia paused the show and turned to face him fully, “In what way?”

“Just that I kept telling myself that my family wanted nothing to do with me. I thought for sure that my parents had somehow made my siblings hate me because well, I mean you get it. Now, I find out they didn’t and that our parents were lying to them too. Which, freaking _sucks_ cause it feels like there’s all this time that we could have had that’s just gone.”

Maia placed a soothing hand on his knee. “I mean, obviously that does suck, and you definitely can’t get that time back. I think it’s good though, that you have a chance to reconnect with Izzy.”

“No, you’re absolutely right. It’s a lot to wrap my head around, you know? I feel like I have emotional whiplash. One minute I thought one thing and now that’s been turned completely upside down in so many ways. I just know that I’m not really angry at them – my siblings I mean, not anymore. Our parents fucked this up for all of us. It’s not really their fault that our parents are dicks.”

Maia laughed, “Well that’s one way to look at it.”

“I feel like that’s the only way. Unless, you know, they completely back our parents’ decision. Though after talking with Izzy I don’t think so. Sounds like they didn’t even know why I left. I get the feeling that they only found out the truth recently.”

“That’s shitty.”

“You’re telling me. But, Izzy, the way she talked. It sounds like she’s thought about this a lot and she’s made up her mind. She said that she wants us to get to know each other again. I think she actually might have meant what she said.”

“I get that feeling, too,” Maia said. “All of this is such a mess. Your parents couldn’t just let your siblings decide for themselves. They made the decision to cut you out of their lives, which is so fucked up. Even if your parents didn’t approve of you being gay, they shouldn’t have just made that decision for them and now all of you have to deal with the fallout.”

Alec sighed, “Exactly. Izzy didn’t even know that I sent them cards or letters or anything. If my mom was really sorry, why the hell would she keep that away from them?”

“Yeah, that doesn’t make sense.”

“Either way, whatever I feel about my mom or my dad, I don’t think I should punish my siblings. Like you said, they deserve to make that decision for themselves.”

“Well, I’m happy that you talked with Izzy. What about Jace?”

“I’m going to see him tomorrow.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“Thanks, but I think this is something I should probably do on my own. I think we have a lot to talk about.”

“Okay, if you’re sure.”

“I’m sure. You can have the whole place to yourself and go find weird starfish or whatever.”

“I study more than just starfish, Alec.” 

“Then you should check out the tide pools. I think there’s even a marine science museum.”

“I’ll Google it.” She gave him a searching look. “Are you sure you’re good?”

“Yes and no. A lot’s happened and I’m gonna need time to sort through all of it. But right now I actually feel pretty all right.”

“Okay. But if you ever decide to take off again I’m gonna kick your ass.”

Alec groaned, “I already told you I was sorry! I just got so mad.”

“I get that, I do. I was just so worried because you were so upset. Then, I couldn’t find you.”

“I know I shouldn’t have taken off like that.” Alec said, “Or I should’ve at least told you where I was going.”

“Remember that if God forbid, there’s ever a next time. Although I mean, it wasn’t a total fail right?” She nudged his arm. “You met _Magnus_.”

Alec felt his cheeks heat at her suggestive tone. “More like he met me.”

“Whatever way you want to spin it, he was cute. You should totally text him.”

“I can’t do that!”

“Why not? He seemed to be into you.”

“Cause –“he started to reply but then realized he didn’t really have a valid reason for _not_ texting Magnus. After all, a text wasn’t necessarily a long term commitment. It did make him almost have chest palpitations though.

Magnus _was_ cute. Too cute. So far out of his league, he may as well have been in outer space.

“Alec, babe. Text him. You never know, just give it a go.”

“Maybe I will.”

“Bet,” Maia said, laughing.

“Okay, fine.” He pulled his phone from his pocket and opened his messages app. He typed in Magnus’ name and quickly fired off a text.

_Hey, it’s Alec, from earlier?_

Maia peered over his shoulder. “Oh come on, that’s so vanilla.”

“Well, it’s not like I’ve ever texted a boy before.” Alec protested. "Well not like this anyway."

“Fair.” Maia shrugged. “Good thing you have a pretty face because your conversation skills need work.”

“Hey, don’t be rude,” Alec said, but he was laughing because she was right. About the lack of conversation skills anyway.

“It’s not rude if it’s the truth.” Maia grinned.

Alec sighed, “You’re supposed to be my best friend.”

“Best friends aren’t supposed to let you down easy.”

He shook his head, “I think that might just be you.”

“Probably is, but I will seriously be so mad at you if you don’t go on at least one date with him.”

“One,” Alec said, holding up a single finger. “That’s it.”

“I’m gonna hold you to that.”

Alec grinned, “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

“All right, all right, enough talking. You wanna watch this with me?”

To tell the truth, Alec wasn’t the biggest fan of Grey’s Anatomy but he needed the familiar comfort of Maia’s presence right now.

So, he settled back against the couch cushions and tried not to make too many comments about what was happening on screen.

A lot had happened. Most of it he still didn’t know what to do with. Tomorrow would bring its own set of challenges. But that could wait until tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A last note I would like to make here that I think is really important to say is this. Forgiveness does not equal forgetting. You can forgive and not forget and that does not make you a bad person. 
> 
> But anyway, thank you for reading! I will try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this actually took me less time to write than I thought. I would also like to say that I am not a doctor. What I have written here is, admittedly, my own limited medical knowledge so take it with a tablespoon of salt. 
> 
> But I hope you enjoy reading!
> 
> Any grammatical mistakes are my own.
> 
> As always, comments, kudos, and constructive criticism are much appreciated. 
> 
> And thank you to everyone for all your comments!

Alec left Maia with her plans to go study seaweed or whatever it was that aspiring marine biologists do. Driving down the main avenue, he arrived at the hospital far sooner than he actually wanted to.

It was still in the same place. Set somewhat away from the cluster of copy and paste plain, vinyl-sided houses that stood in neat rows along the tree-lined avenue. Directly beside it was a support house for families that was painted too cheery of a color for what it was.

He was able to park his car somewhat close to the entrance, given that there were few people who were actually here long term and the hospital had a designated area for visitors.

He momentarily considered forgetting the whole thing but realized that if he didn’t do this now, then he probably never would. He ran a nervous hand through his hair and exited his car.

An older couple coming up the path gave him a judgmental look as he skirted past them as he headed towards the main entrance. It took him by a surprise for a moment before he realized where he was. Normally, people in New York wouldn’t spare a second glance for a boy wearing tight clothes and painted nails. Here, as his mother was so often fond of saying, that just wasn’t done.

He smiled brightly at them and they stared at him, bewildered. He imagined that they were still staring as he approached the sliding doors.

He tried to shake his nervousness as he approached the front desk. The attendant was a pleasant woman in her mid-30s who was way too fond of calling him honey. She at least didn’t seem to mind how he was dressed and was helpful in pointing out where he was supposed to go. 

It was strange to think that this was the hospital he’d been born in. The hospital where he’d had to have his arm cast after breaking it while trying to fence-walk in the backyard. He’d had all of his doctor’s appointments as a child here.

Despite all that, the hallways never ceased to confuse the hell out of him and the signs that were supposed to be helpful ended up just getting him more lost.

Thankfully, the attendant’s instructions were clear enough that he soon found himself on the third floor, the long-term care ward.

Izzy had explained to him that Jace was only here for a couple more days. After his latest chemo treatment, the doctors wanted to keep an eye on him to see how he’d react to the new medication. It seemed that his body was reacting well so far but they’d all been cautioned not to be too hopeful.

Sometimes that meant the cancer would go into remission but sometimes it could do a full 180.

As he got closer to Jace’s room, his footsteps slowed until it seemed impossible to set one down in front of the other. Anxiety began to creep in and he wondered, not for the first time, what the hell he was trying to accomplish by coming here.

Closure, Maia had said. But closure seemed elusive and scary as hell right now. Sure, things with Izzy hadn’t gone exactly terrible but Jace was not Izzy.

He wondered if they’d even recognize each other.

With more bravery than he thought he had, Alec finally came to a stop outside room 308. He could hear the sound of a T.V. drifting into the hallway through the open door. There were no other sounds coming from the room.

Tentatively, he knocked lightly on the plywood frame and stepped through. His breath caught in his throat as he surveyed the scene in front of him.

It was just like any other hospital room. Fluorescent lighting cast startling fragments of white onto the grey linoleum tiles while the warm morning sunlight poured in through a window set into the far wall. An armchair that looked like it had come straight from the 1970s with its awful, avocado green color was pushed into one corner with a matching ottoman set in front of it.

Beside that was a tangle of monitors, tubes, and wires that all made their way back up onto the bed where they disappeared beneath the starched white hospital sheet and, he noticed, Jace’s baby blanket. Well, he hadn’t actually gotten it when he was a baby but the concept was somewhat the same.

Maryse had made it after they’d gotten the news that Jace was officially adopted. It always had a space of prominence in Jace’s room and to see it here was like the past was hitting him over the head with a club.

But no, it wasn’t really any of that that made his breath catch in his throat, but the sight of his brother underneath all of it. It shouldn’t have surprised him, but somehow it managed to, that Jace’s hair he was so proud of was now gone. He was as pale as the sheets and even from here; Alec could see the bright blues and greens of his veins seeping through paper-thin skin.

This Jace did not look like Jace. Jace was mischievous, sometimes an asshole, but always so very _alive_. Like there was a font of energy contained within him that just had to get out. It sparked off his hair in golden highlights and shone in his eyes with a vivaciousness that was infectious. There was none of that vivaciousness in the person he saw before him.

Dark circles shadowed his eyes and he seemed so drawn, half-alive. This – this image was hard to reconcile with the brother in his memories.

It half made him want to turn around and leave. But then Jace’s eyes, which had been fixated on the TV, flashed to the entranceway.

Alec watched as several emotions flitted across his features before they settled into one, confusion.

“Hey buddy, I think you’ve got the wrong room.”

Alec wasn’t sure how to respond for a moment. Of course, Jace wouldn’t recognize him. He’d changed so much and Jace was never really one for noting the little details about people’s appearances anyway.

He cleared his throat. “I don’t think so. Come on, you don’t recognize me?”

Jace’s eyebrows furrowed as he stared at him for a few moments before realization dawned, “Alec? Is that – is that really you?”

“Yeah, yeah Jace, it’s me.”

Jace sat up fully and the heart monitor beeped loudly as he continued to stare at Alec in disbelief.

“What – how. I mean, Izzy said that you were here but I didn’t – “ he stopped, clearly unsure how to finish the thought.

Seeing that he wouldn’t be immediately made to leave, Alec crossed the room and pulled the ottoman closer to Jace’s bed, careful to avoid the wires and tubes. He sank onto it so he was at Jace’s level.

“She said that um, that you wanted to see me.”

“I did – I mean I do, it’s just what are you doing here?”

Alec rubbed the back of his neck ruefully, “Izzy can be really persuasive when she wants to be.”

Jace laughed, although the sound was weak. It was clear that he was making an effort, but Alec was surprised to learn that he still knew all of his brother’s tells, even now.

He gave Alec a piercing look, “Does mom know you’re here?”

Alec shrugged, “Maybe. Izzy might‘ve told her, but her and I well.” 

Jace laughed again. “Some things I guess never change. But uh, you look different.”

Different was maybe an understatement. In high school, Alec had had sort of a uniform even when he wasn’t at school. Frayed, faded sweatshirts and loose, vaguely black pants. Which, the part about the black pants had definitely not changed, but everything else about him certainly had.

High school Alec would never have dared to wear what he was wearing now and it made him somewhat inordinately proud of how far he’d come from then.

Jace had changed too. It wasn’t just the obvious things but in the way he held himself, even though he was technically lying down right now. There was something about him that felt more calm, centered. Like he’d found the answer to something he’d never known he’d been looking for until he found it.

Alec wondered if that had anything to do with Jace’s father. Well, his other adoptive father who was a literal serial killer, but he didn’t want to talk about that right now.

It felt somehow inappropriate to say that Jace had changed too.

“Yeah, I guess I have.” Alec settled for instead.

Jace gave him another searching look. “Did you get your ears pierced?”

Alec raised his hand unconsciously to his right earlobe, “Yeah, freshman year.”

“They look good.” Jace said, “But I guess you’re not here so we can talk about your earrings.”

“I mean, we can if you want to.”

That would be a much safer topic than discussing their family drama.

Jace snorted. “As thrilling as that sounds I’m going to pass.”

He went to sit up higher and Alec scrambled to adjust the bed so that he was comfortable. Turns out being a big brother never really went away. Once he was sure that Jace was situated he settled back onto the ottoman and waited for whatever Jace was going to throw at him.

There was silence between them filled with the sounds of whatever news show was on the T.V.

Jace cleared his throat, “So uh, can I ask you something?”

Alec laughed, “You’ve already asked me a bunch of things, you don’t have to ask my permission now.”

“Right, right. It’s just can I ask? Why did you leave? I mean actually though. I guess I never got the full story.”

“Well, there’s a long version and a short version.”

“Visitor hours don’t end until four and the nurse comes with my meds at two so, I have time.”

“Long version it is then.” Alec sighed, “I guess it started in middle school. I think that was the first time I noticed I was different? Not to be a cliché but I don’t know how else to put it. At first, I wasn’t entirely sure what to call it, and to be honest, I didn’t think there was anything that different about me. I thought everyone thought about boys the way that I did. Until, well, the other guys in my class started talking about girls and I realized that that was how I felt about boys.

Even then, there was something that made me not want to speak up? So I just kept it to myself. I didn’t really understand that there might actually be people like me and well, we went to Catholic school. It’s not like anyone really talked about it.

Then, one day, I was watching something, I can’t remember what now. All I remember is that the main character of the show was dating another boy and I guess that’s the first time I knew what the word gay was and I realized that I was that. I was gay.

But, the older I got, the more people, especially our parents, started to tell me that being gay was wrong. It was like this big scary thing that I somehow learned I was never supposed to be. I was supposed to like girls. Honestly, I tried. I tried so hard and I prayed that God would change me and make me like everyone else.

Sometime towards the end of high school, I realized that that was never going to happen. Not gonna lie to you, Jace, that made me really depressed. I think I started hating myself because there was this thing inside of me that felt so wrong but I couldn’t change it no matter how much I tried.

I won’t get into the details but that’s basically when mom and dad made me starting seeing a therapist. Thankfully, she couldn’t actually share anything with them because of some agreement they’d signed because if she had well, my cover would have been blown. She actually made me be okay with who I was and I started hating myself less.

Then, the time came to start applying to colleges. I remember all of you used to think I was insane applying to these places that were so far away but all I could think about was how I could be free to be myself. Without mom and dad preaching at me and telling me how disgusting people like me were. It was all I wanted at the time.

I don’t know what made me do it, I still don’t know. But I knew that I couldn’t leave without telling them the truth. So, I did.

Needless to say, that didn’t exactly go over well. Dad was yelling all this stuff about the Bible and mom was trying to be supportive? If you want to call it that I guess. She never actually disagreed with him. They just kept telling me that it was a phase. I would get over it. They couldn’t wrap their heads around the idea that there wasn’t a choice. Because if there was, maybe then, definitely not now, I would’ve changed who I was just so I wouldn’t have to deal with all this hatred inside of myself.

Anyways, dad said that – that I was. Sorry, I just – I just can’t use that word.”

Alec paused, the old hurt flaring up like a bad toothache. He pushed it down and tried to continue.

“He called me _that_ and then he said – he said that if I was gay then I didn’t have a place in his house. That I – I wasn’t his son. So, I left.”

There was silence as Jace stared at him with an unreadable expression.

Alec dropped his gaze to his clenched hands but it was quickly pulled upwards by Jace’s loud curse.

“Fuck him! Sorry, Jesus, did not mean to yell just –“Jace broke off his sentence abruptly. Now Alec understood, his expression wasn’t unreadable, it was just a mask. Which, Jace had a tendency of using when he was pissed off, like now.

“I didn’t mean to yell,” Jace repeated, “But that is fucked up I just – what?! So, just like that they kicked you out? I can’t believe this.”

“I couldn’t either for the first six months, believe me.” Alec smiled ruefully. 

“I guess it makes sense now. For so long I was angry at you. I think it was easier believing that you left because you didn’t want anything to do with us than thinking that mom or dad had something to do with it. But eventually, reality sank in and the more I thought about it, the less it made sense. I knew there was something more to the story but – I just couldn’t figure it out. Even when mom did tell us, which, yeah, in a shouting match with dad is not the time to tell your other kids that you kicked your son out. But when she did, it was like my whole world just exploded? I don’t even know if that makes sense.”

It did, it made so much sense. Jace had already lost his biological mother and father in a horrible fire when he was a baby. He was adopted by a close family friend, who turned out to be a literal monster. Then, came their parents, well the people Jace now considered his parents.

For as long as Alec could remember Jace had had a strange double view of them. A kind of hero-worship intermixed with a guarded scrutiny of everything they did. Who could really blame him though? He’d lost everyone who’d ever loved him in one way or another.

When Jace had moved in with them, he was only a few years younger than Alec. Almost immediately he’d thought of Jace as his brother and Jace had felt the same. They’d even made up a stupid name for each other. A secret club that Izzy, no matter how much she complained, was invited to.

It was childish thinking back on it now, but Alec couldn’t deny the close bond he had with his brother. And even after all this time, he couldn’t consider Jace as anything but his family. They were bonded by something that went much deeper than blood, past their skin and marrow into their souls.

So yeah, he got it. Probably more than Jace would ever know.

Impulsively, he searched out Jace’s hand under the blanket and interlaced their fingers. He pulled their joined hands on top of the blanket and took a deep breath before speaking.

“It makes perfect sense, Jace. It’s hard to think about our parents as being human, you know?”

Jace smiled tightly at him but to Alec’s relief, didn’t attempt to take his hand back. “I mean yeah but looking back I guess I always knew that dad was kind of a dick. Can I say that?”

Alec snorted, “It’s not like he’s around to hear you.”

“Point,” Jace conceded. “It’s just, now that I really think about it when was he ever there for any of us? He was always away on this trip or that one. Even when he was home he’d shut himself in his office. It always seemed like he was too busy for us.

I never really thought about it. It was just one of those things you accept because I don’t know I guess it seems normal? And then he and mom were always arguing about everything. I think I can count on one hand how many times I actually remember them being happy together. They always looked so much happier when they were away from each other. So, I guess it didn’t really surprise me when mom kicked him out. It felt like it was a long time coming.

In a way, I was kinda glad he was gone. All the weird tension in the house went with him. Then, right after that is when I got sick. It kinda feels like this is my punishment for asking God to make him leave.”

Alec shook his head, “Jace, no, you can’t think like that. Things don’t work like that. You got sick because sometimes well, shitty things just happen. But wanting dad to leave that has nothing to do with this.”

“I want to believe that but,” his breath almost seemed to catch in his throat. The last of his sentence said so low that Alec had to lean in to hear it. “Why else would I have freaking cancer?”

“I wish I had an easy answer for you. I guess I don’t.” Alec blew out a long breath. “No one actually knows why some people get it and some people don’t. But, you don’t get cancer because you want your dad to leave because he’s a dick. Jace, the cancer, it’s not because of anything you did.”

He held Jace’s gaze and refused to flinch from what he saw in it. In that moment, Jace looked so much younger than he actually was. Like the scared little boy who had shown up on their front porch with a small powder blue backpack flung over one shoulder, coming up only to the waist of the social worker in his prim black suit who stood beside him.

Then, like now, it looked like he had the whole weight of the world on his shoulders but he was doing his damndest to put on a brave face even though he was scared. What fears hid behind his eyes then Alec would only learn about in furtive conversations between his parents that he knew he wasn’t supposed to eavesdrop on.

What fears they hid now; well he could only begin to guess. Mostly, he supposed, it was the primal thing that all of them feared in the end. That last, dreamless sleep. The thing that would claim whatever it was that a person was with a cruel implacability that didn’t care about the silly categories they filed themselves under.

He couldn’t reassure Jace about the inevitability of death. In the end, it came for everyone and it wouldn’t bother giving you a 24-hour notice. He couldn’t lie and tell him that the chemotherapy would be a magic wand that would force his cancer into remission.

If he could, he would come up with some way to create a miracle cure himself. The weight of death was far too heavy for a 16-year old boy to be carrying around.

“I guess I don’t want to die,” Jace whispered.

Like Izzy, Alec understood that his brother was much too old for placations. He wasn’t completely unaware of what could happen if the drugs didn’t work.

Alec wasn’t cruel enough to lie to him. “I wish I could say that you won’t die, but you and I both know that I would be lying. What I can say is that the prognosis looks good. You’re really sick now, but the doctors are doing all they can so that you can beat this thing. If anyone can beat it, Jace, I know that you can.”

Jace smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You know, you’re the first person who’s come to visit me who’s told me that. Everyone else tries to pretend that I’ll be fine but look at me. I’m in the hospital with all these freaking tubes coming out of me. I have to have someone help me go to the bathroom. I’m not doing okay and everyone knows it, they’re just too afraid to say it.”

Alec sighed and skated his thumb across the top of Jace’s hand. He was careful to avoid where an IV had been fed into the center of it and ignored the purpled skin radiating outwards from the injection site.

He weighed his words carefully before speaking. “Sometimes – sometimes people are selfish. It’s in our nature. We don’t like to think about ugly things. It’s easier to pretend like they don’t exist than to try and deal with them. No one wants to admit that someone they love isn’t going to be there anymore. To be honest, it’s not easy for me either.

I guess in a way I was also lying to myself before I came here. I kept telling myself that maybe you wouldn’t be that sick. In a way, like I said, it was easier than believing that you could be gone. I used to think that moment would only come when we were old.”

Alec shrugged. “But now I know that I can’t lie to myself anymore. You _are_ sick Jace. I’m hoping for the best because hell, I don’t want to think about you dying, especially not now. You’re only sixteen. When I was sixteen, I was getting my driver’s license, thinking about where I wanted to go to college. It’s not fair for you to never be able to do those things.”

“You’re not telling me anything I haven’t already thought about,” Jace replied. “I spent a lot of time in the beginning being angry but now I’m just sad? I don’t want to think about you all growing old and I’m just gone. The doctors keep saying that everything looks like it’s going good but I still have a couple more months of treatments and that’s the best case scenario.”

“Well, I’m not a doctor. Yet anyways.” He managed to get a grin out of Jace for that one. “But I can say that if they say things are going well then they probably are. We’ll have to wait and see but Jace I know that you’re strong enough to beat this.”

“You really think so?”  
  


Alec nodded, “Yeah, I really do. You’ve never let anything stop you. You just have to do what the doctors say and we’ll keep holding out for the best, all right?”

“Okay.” He squeezed Alec’s hand. “Can I ask you another question?”

“Sure,” Alec responded easily.

“Why did you come, actually though?”

Alec rolled the question over in his mind. He wasn’t too sure about the answer himself but he had a pretty good idea at least.

“I think I was lying to myself for a long time. I felt that I had moved on with my life or maybe just enough that it was possible to not think about everything for a while. I convinced myself that I had to accept that I was probably never going to get the chance to explain what had happened. Maybe I wasn’t okay with that idea exactly but it didn’t really feel like I had any other choice.

Our parents made it pretty clear that they didn’t want me around you guys. Then, out of nowhere, Izzy showed up and suddenly, I couldn’t pretend anymore. I had all of these things I needed to say and I kept telling myself I would find a way to do it someday. But when she told me you were sick I realized that I might never actually get the chance to do that.

Plus, I couldn’t imagine if I never got to see you again. If nothing else, I just wanted to see you one last time to I guess say goodbye?”

He let his words trail off and looked up at Jace to gauge his reaction. Jace worried his bottom lip between his teeth as he sorted through what Alec had just told him.

“But why not before now?” Jace persisted.

“Honestly?” Alec sighed. Then decided to hell with it, might as well put all his cards on the table. “I think I was lost. My world had changed so much in just one single day. I lost everything. I was busy for a while trying to pick up the pieces. When I could finally think, I wanted to reach out and talk to you guys. And I tried for a while. But they’d changed the phone numbers and every letter I tried to send was returned. So, it wasn’t like I didn’t try but after a while it just became too hard for me to deal with so I just stopped.”

“They never told me about the letters,” Jace said. “Well, I guess we can add that to the list of terrible parenting decisions.”

“It’s in the past, Jace. I’d sooner just forget about it. I can’t change it and neither can you. I’m here now and that’s all that should matter.”

“I guess.” He shrugged. “I just can’t help thinking how all this time I thought that you not being here was just you not giving a shit. Now I know it was our parents just being dicks.”

Alec mused that Jace’s words eerily echoed Izzy’s words from the day before.

Jace slumped back against his pillows and they lapsed into silence, each lost to their own thoughts.

Alec wondered if he should leave if maybe he’d said too much. Was there a subtle way of escaping without it seeming like that’s what he was doing? Not like he really wanted to leave, no that wasn’t it. He just didn’t want to keep making Jace uncomfortable.

Right about when he’d made up his mind, Jace spoke again.

“You know, I know exactly what you’re thinking. I’m not uncomfortable if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Alec ducked his head, chagrined at being caught out. He’d forgotten what it was like to be around a person who knew his tells as well as he did theirs. Not even Maia knew him as well as Jace did.

“I’ll tell you what we’re going to do. We’re going to stop talking about the depressing shit and play stupid card games and you can tell me all about college. How’s that?”

“It’s not like I have anything else better to be doing,” Alec said, “But, fair’s fair. I want to know about your life, too”

“Deal,” Jace grinned at him. A real smile this time, one that reached his eyes.

In it, Alec could see a reflection of the brother from his memories and he imagined for that slight instant that they were somewhere far away from this room. That Jace wasn’t sick and they were small again. Hiding in the attic among the dust and the rafters, sunlight streaming in through the solitary window, as they played round after round of whatever game they’d managed to smuggle up there with them. Usually chess or playing cards.

Maybe time had changed some things, but it couldn’t change everything. He noted an abandoned stack of playing cards and fished a small tray table out from beside Jace’s bed.

Carefully, he laid it by Jace’s legs and took the cards from their box.

Another pang of nostalgia hit him as he realized what he was holding. These weren’t just any playing cards they were _their_ cards. If he flipped the box over, he’d see their initials written in a childish scrawl on the bottom.

The edges were soft and the middles of the card-backs were creased with familiarity. He smoothed his thumb over one of them.

“I can’t believe you kept these.”

“Well,” Jace cleared his throat, “I kinda found them. I thought that mom had packed them away with the other boxes, then I was up in the attic, and there they were. It uh, it helped having something that reminded me of you.”

“I’m glad you held onto them.”

“Me too,” Jace mused.

“Now,” he tapped the tray table with the flat of his hand. “Are we going to play or what?”

“Yeah, yeah. Since you’re so impatient, you shuffle the deck.”

Unbeknownst to either one of them was the shadow that lingered just outside the doorway. Maryse hadn’t quite meant to eavesdrop.

Of course, Izzy had mentioned Alec was going to be here but she’d imagined he’d be long gone before she got there.

It turned out that she’d underestimated her son yet again.

The sound of voices had drawn her to vacillate here, unsure of whether to make her presence known. But it seemed unfair to insert herself into a situation that had nothing to do with her.

She watched her boys because of course she still thought of them as her sons. Although she hadn’t seen them together this way in years.

Now, it was as if the past was replicating and imprinting itself onto the present.

As if an alternate dimension that housed that long ago time had bent and warped to contort itself into the present. Just like then, their bodies were angled subtly inwards, bowing towards each other as they spoke softly over the cards clutched in their hands. A study in contrasts, so much alike and yet so very different.

She’d known for a long time that it was wrong of her to have kept them apart. Oh, she could rationalize it all she wanted to but there was really no excuse for any of it.

It was a hard pill to swallow to realize that she had failed in the one thing she’d always believed that she was destined to be. She’d failed not only Alec but the rest of her children as well.

She’d let herself be swept away and in the end what had she gained for it? But Robert wasn’t here anymore. He couldn’t impose himself in their lives any longer, she’d made sure of that.

Of course, she herself was not completely faultless in this. Maybe, maybe if she’d stood up for herself sooner then she would have been able to save the situation.

But there was no use thinking about things she could not change. If she could never reconcile with Alec – and, if she were being honest, she didn’t blame him for not wanting to hear her excuses. But, if she never could, then maybe standing here was the closest thing she could get.

A ghost, neither seen nor heard, a strange visitor that longed to breach that thin veil of the past and live in the present but unable to fully exist in either place.

She imagined that if she were a phantom, then perhaps at the very least she would be able to hold her son to her one last time, the way she’d done when he was small. She could warn herself in the past about the dangers of taking this road and what she’d lose if she did. But there was no changing anything now.

This was her mess, she’d caused this. It was silly to believe that she could just sweep it all under the carpet. And, as this was her doing, it would be her responsibility to fix it or, at the very least, to explain herself.

It was probably too much to ask for Alec to hear her out. She knew she’d done a terrible job of it the first time. In life, it was seldom that you were given second chances and she’d completely blown hers.

Maybe the small part of her that clung to that last vestige of faith could believe that she would be granted the opportunity to have a third chance.

And say what? She didn’t know. To apologize? Maybe. But sometimes, sorry just didn’t cut it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo, yup, I did that. I just can't resist stirring the pot a little bit more lol. I think maybe in the next two chapters I'll talk more about Maryse's role in everything? But I'm not sure yet.
> 
> I know for sure the next chapter will probably contain more Malec. Not sure how I want to spin that yet but know that that will most likely be what is happening. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading! I will try to get the next one up as soon as I can.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love how I was like oh yeah the last chapter will take forever but this is actually the one that ended up taking me a long time to write? Lol anyways. 
> 
> Here is the next chapter. It's kind of all over the place but I promise the next one will be a bit more organized. 
> 
> But I hope you enjoy reading! As always, comments and kudos are very much appreciated!

Alec welcomed the rush of fresh air that greeted him as he exited the hospital over the stale, antiseptic scent that permeated every square inch of the place.

The sun felt good on his skin compared to the barely perceptible gloom that seemed to coalesce there. Sure, they kept the floors clean and they could paint the walls as bright as they wanted to, but none of that could change the fact that it was a sanctuary for the sick and the dying.

A cathedral for the grieving to huddle in muttered prayers around white sheets and plead for a stay in judgment. Alec shook himself, not wanting to dwell on that thought for very long.

He wanted to believe in the idea that maybe the universe wasn’t always heading towards an inevitable entropy. That maybe there were times where it stopped in its course of wreaking havoc and chaos. If he still believed in God, he might have sent a whisper on the wind hoping that it would catch the ear of an angel.

Too bad he didn’t. He’d realized that God wasn’t real and if there were any angels, they’d turned their backs on him a long time ago. He preferred science and medicine – those were his religion. The things he held onto with a fierce certainty as fanatical as any zealot did.

He shook himself again, trying to chase away the melancholy thoughts.

It was hard, though. To not lose himself in them.

He had a terrible tendency of wanting to fix everything. Maia and Neela were fond of telling him it was both his best and worst quality. But there was nothing to be fixed here, at least so far as Jace’s cancer was concerned.

The thought of Neela made him wish that she were here with him now. She always knew exactly what to say to make things seem a little better than they actually were.

Maybe if she couldn’t be here, he could at least hear her voice.

He reached into his pocket for his phone and dialed her number.

She picked up on the third ring.

“Well, isn’t it a little early for you to be up and about?”

He was right, the sound of her voice was already helping to soothe over the way he felt emotionally raw and cut open by his conversation with Jace. And the fight with his mom. And whatever the heck that was about on the beach with that guy. _Magnus_.

“Hey Neela”

“Hey sug’. How you doin’?”

Alec shrugged, then realized she couldn’t see him. “I can’t lie. I’ve definitely been better.”

“Hold on a second.” There was a pause and then Alec could hear the muffled sound of Neela shouting at, no doubt, one of the day cashiers. “Sorry ‘bout that. These boys, they never learn. You need to pick up the chairs before you mop the floor.”

She let out a long sigh and Alec could picture her shaking her head. “So, what’s goin’ on?”

“Well, you know I talked with my mom”

“Uh-huh,” Neela’s tone said enough about how she felt about _that_.

“So, I uh, talked to Jace today. It was kind of Izzy’s idea?” Alec kicked at a random rock on the sidewalk as he made his way back to his car. He slid into the driver’s seat and closed the door to the outside world. It gave some illusion of privacy at the very least and made him feel less exposed.

“How did that go?” He could hear what sounded like a door opening and shutting. Then the din of the café was reduced considerably. He figured she’d probably gone into her office.

“Okay, I guess? I don’t know, it seems like he wants us to you know, try and have somewhat of a relationship again. But …” he trailed off, not sure how to give voice to the cloying fear that numbed his words and made his tongue feel heavy and clumsy.

“It’s just, Neela, I’m scared.”

“Oh, Alec, it’s okay to be scared.”

“I feel like – “ he sniffled and to his surprise, found himself fighting back tears. That wasn’t his usual response. Not like the usual response was necessarily healthy. Cramming your feelings down until you didn’t feel them anymore was not the best way to handle things. “I feel like before I mean I knew he was sick, you know? Obviously. But I guess I didn’t realize _how_ sick.”

“I know what you mean sweetie. It makes you think, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Alec agreed softly. He traced the edge of the steering wheel, “I mean Neela he could _die_. I can’t – what am I gonna do? I don’t want to lose him.”

“Honey,” Neela paused and took a deep breath. “I wish I could be there for you, more than anything. But since the only thing I got is my voice, I guess I’ll just have to settle for words.”

She took another breath, “Your brother is sick and you’re right, he _could_ die. But you’re focusing on the wrong things. You can’t get back that time, but you have time right now. Spend every day you can with him. Tell him how you feel and when you come back here, call him. I’m sure he’s got a phone.

Now, about the other stuff, I can’t tell you how to handle that. I thought I would lose my mind when my mother died. I didn’t think I would be able to keep on living knowing that she wasn’t there. And I’m not gonna lie to you. There are some days when it hurts so bad I can’t even breathe.

But then I think about all the good times I had with her, all the things we shared together. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. It doesn’t take the pain away, but it does help me breathe a little easier. And I know my momma wouldn’t want me to be sad. She’d want me to keep on living.

You gotta make peace with that, Alec. But you also gotta trust in what the doctors are doing. You said his prognosis is good, right? So just let them do what they do.”

“But Neela it _hurts_.” Alec couldn’t help sounding like a petulant child. “And it’s not fair.”

“I know. It never is.” Neela’s voice was patient.

Alec wasn’t quite able to keep the tears back now and they slid in warm tracks down his cheeks. The droplets dotted his sweater, darkening it from blue to navy. “It’s just not _fair._ ”

He swiped at his eyes, willing himself to get it together already.

“I know,” Neela repeated. “It seems like whether you like it or not, you gotta accept that sometimes bad things just happen. And you’re right, it’s not fair. It’s not fair for your brother to have cancer. It wasn’t fair for your parents to kick you out. But that’s why we learn at some point to stop playing by the rules.

We know the universe don’t care. It’s going to keep doing what it does. So then, what is there left to do? Hope. Hope that the medicine is good enough to bend the rules. You ain’t lost that yet, have you?”

“No,” His voice was hoarse.

“Good, because hope,” Neela continued, “Is the one thing that makes any of the rest of this worthwhile. If you give up on hope, then you give up on living. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or you can’t cry. It doesn’t mean that the situation isn’t shitty. It just means that despite those things, you’re not gonna give up.”

Hope. What a weird word. Sure, maybe he’d not given up on the concept entirely, but he’d definitely given up on the idea that life was fair.

No, there was nothing equal or balanced about the cards you were dealt. Too many times you wound up one or two short while the other people at the table had a full deck. There was no way to win with the odds stacked like that. Eventually, he’d stopped expecting life to deal a clean hand. He’d figured out that you couldn’t be disappointed if you didn’t expect anything good to happen in the first place.

But for the first time he could remember in a very long time, he actually wanted to hope for something.

Maybe it didn’t matter that the odds were stacked because sometimes life would give you the ace you’d need to win the hand anyway. It was just carefully hidden behind the two of spades.

He cleared his throat. “No, you’re right. Thank you. I – I really needed to hear that.”

“Any time,” Neela replied easily. “Now you go and get some rest. And don’t do anything too crazy.”

“I won’t,” Alec promised.

“Good. Take care of yourself and text me when you get home.”

“I will.” He promised again.

They hung up.

He sat for a moment staring at the steering wheel and realized that he was crying again. But this time, he let it happen.

He rested his head on his hands and took a deep breath. He did several mantras in his head before he felt somewhat calm again.

He thought about going back to the condo but the thought of being in an enclosed space with no one to talk to made his skin crawl.

Instead, he drove back to main street and parked his car in the last free parking space he could find for what looked like the next several blocks. Alec mentally thanked Neela and Maia for yelling at him that yes, parallel parking _was_ a necessary skill to have in life.

Leaving his car there, he began to wander in and out of shops mindlessly looking at things, trying very hard to not think at all, and occasionally texting back and forth with Maia.

It seemed like she’d decided to go to the museum after all and was sending him random factoids about marine life. And he really didn’t need that picture of a dissected starfish.

When he grew bored of that, he began to meander back towards his car. He was looking at his shoes and not really paying attention when he ran into someone.

“I am _so_ sorry –“ Alec’s words died as he looked at the person he’d run into. Of course, of course, this would happen. Why oh why did the universe hate him?

“We have to stop meeting like this.” Magnus grinned at him. “Although, if it’s you well, you can knock me off my feet anytime.”

Alec blushed, despite how cheesy the line was. “That was terrible.”

“But it made you smile.” 

Alec shook his head. “That doesn’t mean it wasn’t terrible.”

“Well, maybe I can convince you that all of my lines aren’t generally that terrible,” Magnus replied easily. “Would you mind if I kept you company?” 

“I mean, sure.” Alec shrugged noncommittally, trying to downplay his nervousness, especially because he’d never texted Magnus back yesterday. He’d meant to respond, he really, really did. But then he’d let his anxiety talk him out of it. He was sure that Magnus would never want to talk to him again but somehow, here they were.

“Excellent! The walk is so much better when there is fine company to do the walking with.”

Alec felt himself turning red again. “Do you flirt this much with everyone?”

“Only with the people I am incredibly attracted to. So yes, but also, no.”

“So there are other people you’re incredibly attracted to?”

“Hmm, not at the moment, you are my one and only muse.”

Alec ducked his head. How could this man just go around _saying_ things like that?

“Ah, I suppose that was a bit much.” Magnus rubbed the back of his neck. “My friends are always telling me I come on too strong.”

“I can’t imagine why that would be.”

Magnus laughed, “Yes, well, I am who I am. But I know hardly anything about you.”

“What do you want to know?” Alec risked a glance at the man walking beside him. No doubt they were garnering quite a bit of attention between the two of them. Alec by himself would’ve been enough for the town gossips. But Magnus, well, he would’ve stood out even in New York City.

Though it was fairly hot outside, he had a bright pink boa draped around his neck. Which, strangely, did not clash at all with the teal pants he was wearing or the leopard button-down he sported. Maybe it was the shoes? Okay, maybe not. They _were_ black but they were also very, very glittery.

“What’s your favorite color?”

Alec held up his arm, “Blue.”

“Well, I guess that one should’ve been obvious.”

When a beat passed and Alec still hadn’t responded because he was thinking about _how_ to respond, Magnus gave him a teasing grin, “You’re supposed to ask me now, you know?”

Ugh, why was he so bad at this? Simple answer. Magnus was hot. H-O-T. _Hawt._ Rendering his speech capabilities to near zero in his presence.

But he managed to get his last two brain cells together to ask. “Okay. Then what’s your favorite color?” 

“Hmm, you know it changes. I feel like right now I’m fond of mauve. It makes me think of the wintertime.”

_How could Magnus possibly think about winter when it was almost eighty degrees outside?_

Alec shook his head. Then gave voice to his thought.

Magnus laughed again, “It’s very simple. It’s not about where you are but where you _wish_ you were. For example, I’m here because I have to collect samples and send data back to my lab. But where I wish I was is a chalet. Doesn’t matter where. Somewhere in the mountains. Lots of snow. If I think about that then, of course, it’s winter.”

“I still don’t get it. It’s hot as hell outside and we’re by a beach. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t be thinking about snow.”

“That’s because you’re not thinking hard enough. Hmm,” Magnus tapped his forefinger on his chin. “Second question. Why were you out walking today?”

“That’s your second question? How –“ He cut himself off. “Nevermind. Okay, I was out walking because I was at the hospital and I don’t know – I guess I just needed to get out?”

“I imagine you don’t want to talk about that?”

“Yeah, no thanks.”

“So then, I guess I’ll tell you why I was out today. I was bored, very, very bored. I can only look at so many slides before I feel like I am going out of my mind. So, I decided to go for a walk.”

Alec chuckled despite himself. “Don’t your coworkers get mad at you for doing that?”

Magnus sighed dramatically, “Unfortunately yes. Although, the most that they can do is send me very angry emails because I am the only one physically here. So, they cannot technically make me do anything and my boss loves me.”

They were silent for a moment. Then Magnus spoke, “Okay, it’s your turn to ask a question.”

He could’ve asked about something serious, but he was tired of serious things for one day at least.

“What’s with the boa?”

“This,” Magnus reached up to toy with the end of it. “I don’t really know.”

He shrugged. “Sometimes I just want to wear something so I do.”

“My turn. What’s the worst thing you’ve done on a dare?”

“That one’s easy.” Alec tugged his sleeve up and showed off his elbow. “I let Maia talk me into this.”

Magnus’ laugh was bright as he took in the tattoo. “That is honestly amazing.”

Alec risked another glance at his companion. He imagined it was like looking into the sun. You could look for a moment or two, but you might go blind if you looked for very long. Although, wow if _that_ was the last image he’d see then maybe it would be worth it.

He cleared his throat, hoping that Magnus wouldn’t be able to tell what he’d been thinking, and pressed on with his next question. “Cat person or dog person?”

“Easy.” Magnus scoffed. “Cat person. I think Chairman would be offended if I brought a dog home.”

“Chairman?”

“Yes, my cat, Chairman Meow. Here, look at how cute he is.” Magnus took out his phone.

Chairman _was_ adorable. “Okay, he’s definitely very cute.”

“What about you?”

“I don’t know. I guess a cat person. We had a cat when I was little but he was old so. Then we never got another one. I couldn’t imagine owning a dog though.”

Alec realized that they were almost back to where he’d parked. He also realized that he wanted to keep talking to Magnus and wasn’t quite ready for them to part ways.

He gestured at his car. “I know that driving isn’t exactly walking but would you like to come over for dinner? I’m sure Maia wouldn’t mind and –“

“Yes, I would love to.”

Alec found himself smiling and was unable to suppress his giddiness. Normally, his stranger danger alarm would be going off but Magnus, despite knowing him for only a few days, didn’t feel like a stranger.

The ride back to the condo was filled with Magnus asking progressively inane questions. It helped to keep him in a good mood.

When they got there, it didn’t seem like Maia was back yet. He knew she’d be back soon, it was starting to get dark, but he wasn’t too worried.

He texted her to let her know that Magnus would be joining them for dinner. She, of course, sent a winky face emoji. He’d retreated to the kitchen, ostensibly to charge his phone. Which, yes, technically he’d left his charger in here this morning, but really it was just an excuse to put a little distance between him and Magnus.

Magnus was…overwhelming, exhilarating. Once again, he found his mind comparing the other man to the sun.

And if Magnus was the sun, then he was absolutely Icarus, compulsively drawn to its warmth but knowing if he got too close, he would surely lose his wings and crash to the earth.

But just like Icarus, he couldn’t help the strange allure Magnus held over him. He knew if he was smart, he would run far away from the things that Magnus was making him feel. Emotions he’d done his best to carefully and studiously ignore. Too bad his heart didn't quite get the memo.

He sighed and shoved his phone back into his pocket. He could only pretend to stare at it for so long before it started to border on rudeness.

Steeling himself, he turned to call out to Magnus who was currently lounging on the sofa, “Maia should be back in a bit. You’re not a vegetarian are you?”

“While I try to keep my consumption of animal products low, I am not in fact, a vegetarian. So, to answer your question more directly. No.”

“Roger that.” Alec surreptitiously wiped his palms on his jeans. It was surreal the effect that Magnus had on him. He’d been around plenty of attractive men but none of them made him quite this nervous.

“Maia will probably start dinner whenever she gets back. I’m kind of um, banned from cooking when she’s not here.”

Magnus laughed and Alec once again, found himself charmed by the sound. It was infectious and bright and had his heart doing funny things again. Things he wasn’t quite sure how to put a name to.

“Dare I ask?”

“I may or may not have almost destroyed Neela, that’s well she’s kinda like mom, anyway it might have almost led to her kitchen being destroyed. It also may or may not have involved the fire department.”

He turned to the fridge, “Do you want anything to drink by the way?”

“Water if you have it.”

Alec filled two glasses and brought them to the living room. He was mindful to put them on the coasters set out on the corner of the coffee table.

He settled onto the sofa, close to Magnus but also not too close because well he was an anxious mess all right? And he was alone. With a cute boy. Who actually laughed at his lame attempts at humor.

“So, that would explain being banned from the kitchen. I have a similar story, not me.” Magnus chuckled. “I was in my first year of my PhD program. My friend Ragnor and I were renting this apartment. Well, I’d gotten back somewhat late, had gone straight to bed. Suddenly, I’m woken up by him yelling about the oven being on fire.

Well, it turns out the oven really _was_ on fire because he’d left the cooking oil on the stove too long. Needless to say, standing outside when it’s almost thirty degrees out in a robe and your underwear is _not_ a fun experience.”

Alec doubled over with laughter. “Wow and I thought I was bad at cooking.”

Magnus grinned, “Yes, well, that’s why he is now banned from the kitchen without supervision. I’m sure our neighbors were very angry at both of us.”

Alec was still laughing, unable to stop himself at the imagery Magnus’ story evoked. Once he’d finally gotten himself under control he looked up and realized that the other man was staring at him with an expression he didn’t quite recognize.

He felt himself turning red again and wondered if his reaction had been out of line. Maybe that was why Magnus was looking at him like that?

He shifted, suddenly uncomfortable. Self-conscious, he began to toy with his earring.

Magnus was still looking at him and then, Alec realized he was _blushing_. It was faint, not nearly so obvious with his golden skin but definitely there.

Oh, _oh_ suddenly he got it. That look. It made him feel even more nervous because why was Magnus of all people looking at _him_ like that?

“I know this is probably too forward but may I?” Magnus gestured at him.

Alec’s stomach seemed to be turning itself inside out. Did he want Magnus to touch him? Then again, this was a once in a lifetime moment.

And there was something about him that made Alec want to throw all of his carefully dictated rules out the window.

He wanted to be someone else. Someone who was _not_ cautious. Someone who didn’t second-guess everything. He wanted to be reckless just this once. 

Cautiously, he nodded and suddenly, whoa Magnus was all in his space. Not that he really minded. No, he did not mind at all.

This close, he could smell what was probably aftershave or cologne. He also noted that Magnus’ eyeliner was as perfect as he’d thought it would be.

Then, Magnus’ hand was gently cupping the side of his face, thumb tracing the edge of his jaw. Out of the corner of his eye, Alec dimly noted the metallic sheen of Magnus’ rings.

But he couldn’t focus on that, he was too busy trying to remember how to breathe.

Without his permission, he felt his eyes closing. He pushed whatever his rational mind was trying to scream at him down deep into his subconscious, locked the box, and threw away the key.

He could feel Magnus’ breath ghosting across his lips and then there was firm, soft pressure. He didn’t imagine this was what his first kiss with a guy would be like but then again, it wasn’t like he’d let himself imagine that ever.

Alec had never seen himself as attractive. It was harder still to believe that anyone else would be attracted to him. But yet, here was one of the hottest guys Alec had ever seen kissing _him_.

Magnus drew back after a few moments, much to his disappointment. But then he was kissing him again, coaxing him to respond.

And Alec went willing. He nearly came undone when he felt the tip of Magnus’ tongue tracing his lips.

That was it. Rationality was completely off-line now. He felt warm hands settling on his hips, guiding him, and suddenly, he found himself straddling Magnus.

If he’d been actually using his brain, maybe he wouldn’t have allowed himself to do this. But it was nice. And it wasn’t like Magnus was trying to take things any further.

When he realized that, he let himself relax. Magnus skimmed his hand up and cupped the back of his head. The feeling of slender fingers sliding through his hair made him gasp.

He expected Magnus to take advantage but he kept their kisses closed mouth, gentle. Alec was nearly disappointed but he liked that Magnus was trying to be somewhat respectful. Too bad that wasn’t what he wanted at that moment.

With more bravery than he thought he had, he played Magnus’ move against him, tracing the seam of his lips with his tongue, hoping that he would get the damn hint.

Magnus groaned, his hands tightening. The feeling of his hair being tugged had Alec gasping again. He cataloged _that_ away for later. Who knew he had a thing for that?

This time, Magnus _did_ take advantage, sliding his tongue into his mouth and Alec made another one of those gasping noises. Then, there was no room for thinking anymore.

Just the wet, warm slide of Magnus’ tongue against his. The slight sting of teeth and the smell of Magnus’ cologne between the two of them. A combination that was both stimulating and intoxicating.

It seemed to go on and on. Alec could feel himself slowly losing control. He knew if it kept going on like this, he might not be able to stop.

Magnus apparently had the same line of thinking because, reluctantly, he drew away. He placed a hand on Alec’s chest and gently forced him back.

Alec’s eyes fluttered open and wow, okay if Magnus was cute before he was even cuter now. His hair was slightly tousled, lips reddened, and eyelids heavy.

He bet he looked a mess but with the way Magnus was looking at him, he didn’t really care.

Magnus caressed his cheek again, “Not that I’m not enjoying this but I must point out that Maia will be back soon.”

Maia. Not your friend. Maia. He’d actually remembered her name. Then Alec registered what Magnus had said and groaned.

He knew Magnus was right but that didn’t stop him from being disappointed.

He went to flop back onto the couch but Magnus’s hands prevented him from moving. “I didn’t say you had to move.”

Suddenly, insecurity was rearing its ugly head again. Magnus must just be saying that to save his feelings. Surely, he didn’t want Alec, who was admittedly quite heavy, all in his space like this. And he was pretty sure he must smell weird or something or –

Magnus reclined his head along the back of the sofa and looked at him from under lowered lids. “I can hear you thinking from here and I know we don’t know each other that well but whatever you’re thinking I am going to say it’s most likely not true. I wasn’t lying when I said I was very attracted to you.”

Alec suddenly felt like his skin was two sizes too small. Someone like Magnus could not be attracted to him. Maybe he was one of those weirdos that went for insecure people?

But no, that couldn’t be quite right. Magnus hadn’t indicated that he’d wanted to do anything but kiss him. And he had been actually sympathetic on the beach and he’d even remembered Maia’s name. None of the handful of guys he’d gone on dates with had ever seemed like they’d actually been invested in what he was saying.

But could he let himself believe that? He’d known this guy for a few days and already he was making Alec feel things he wasn’t quite sure how to deal with.

Sure, he’d met plenty of people that he was attracted to. But none of them had ever really mattered. He’d never cared about their opinion of him or wanted to get to know them beyond one extremely awkward first date.

But he wanted to get to know Magnus, more than just what his favorite color was.

“I believe you.” He managed, “It’s just – I mean I guess people don’t usually talk about this this early on but I’m I don’t know I’m me. And well – “

He gestured at Magnus. “Look at you.”

“What about me?” Even though Magnus was giving off the impression that he couldn’t care less, the sharpness in his eyes belied his blasé attitude.

Alec felt his cheeks heat, “You’re well – I mean I’m sure you’ve looked in a mirror. You’re gorgeous and well, you’re smart and funny.”

“You don’t think you’re all of those things?” Magnus asked raising a skeptical brow. “Because from where I’m sitting it seems to me like you tick all of those boxes and then some.”

If Alec had a mirror, he was pretty sure that even the back of his neck had turned red from how hard he was blushing.

“No seriously,” Magnus sat up, keeping his hands on Alec’s hips to keep him from escaping. “When I first met you I thought you were wow, like easily a 10. Then I thought, wow this guy is opening up to me and he doesn’t even know me. Most people maybe they would’ve been scared off but there was something about you, I just couldn’t get you out of my head.

Maybe you don’t see it, but I do. And I’m not just saying that either. I know we just met each other. But, even if we don’t end up being you know something. Which, seriously, we don’t have to talk about that right now. I’d still like to just get to know you. And I don’t know, maybe be somebody you could talk to?”

Alec worried his bottom lip between his teeth. “This is a lot for me. Because, yeah, for the record you’re easily a 10 too. But also, it’s crazy. I shouldn’t feel this way about you and I’ve only just met you. It – not going to lie, it kind of scares but in a good way? Does that even make sense?”

Magnus chuckled, “It makes perfect sense. Do you always overthink things this much?”

“Would it surprise you if I said yes?”

“Wouldn’t surprise me in the least bit. But you know it can’t be good keeping all that up here.” Magnus gently tapped the side of his head. 

Alec shrugged. “I mean probably not.”

He sighed and looked down at where his hands were bunched in Magnus’ shirt. When had _that_ happened? He thought about moving them but decided it would be too awkward.

“I guess I just learned to be that way. Older sibling complex? My mom and dad well, they were gone most of the time and I don’t even want to think what would’ve happened if no one was watching Jace and Izzy.”

Magnus had begun to card his hands through the ends of his hair. Which, admittedly, was nice. When was the last time anyone had done that?

“I understand that at least. My parents shipped me off to my grandparents. Then, when they finally got their visa cleared, they took me with them to the states. I have no idea where they are now.”

“That must have been rough.”

“Yes and no. I don’t really have any clear memories of my parents. For as long as I can remember, my grandparents have been my parents.”

“And they never tried to look for you?”

Magnus paused for a moment and then smiled wistfully. “No, not so far as I know. It seems they never really wanted anything to do with me. My grandparents have told me bits and pieces about them but they’re strangers to me.”

“Well, I feel like your parents missed out on a lot for whatever it’s worth. It seems like their loss.”

Magnus nodded. “That’s what my grandparents say too. Sometimes, I wish I knew them but then I think what would be the point?”

“That’s kind of where I’m at with my mom,” Alec said softly. “My dad, well, he’s made it pretty clear how he feels about me. But my mom, I just keep wondering if there might actually be something left there.”

“It’s not too late to find out you know.”

“Yeah. I just have all of these mixed emotions and questions.” Alec shook his head. “Like why did she lie all these years? Why did she keep me from talking to my siblings?”

“I’m not so sure I’m the person you should be asking those questions to.”

Alec felt his heart clench, the instinctive reaction to shy away from Magnus’ gentle criticism before he realized how foolish that was. Magnus was right.

“But I also know,” Magnus continued, oblivious to Alec’s thoughts, “That asking isn’t always easy. Give yourself time.”

“I just feel like there’s never enough of that.”

Magnus opened his mouth to respond, but whatever he was going to say was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening.

“I am loudly announcing my presence so I don’t have to see things I really don’t want to see.”

Magnus laughed at Maia’s theatrics and when Alec moved to sit on the sofa, he let him.

“Relax, Maia, I promise we have all our clothes on,” Alec reassured her.

“You better.”

He heard the clatter of her setting things down on the entryway table before she made her way into the living room. Her cheeks were slightly red, probably sunburned because she refused to wear sunscreen. She was dressed in a loose shirt and cut-offs, the tie of her bathing suit visible underneath where she’d bundled her hair up at the nape of her neck.

Maia flopped onto the sofa, “Give me like ten minutes.”

“Long day?” Magnus asked.

“Very. Alec, you didn’t tell me that the museum was so cool.”

“I feel like I did tell you.”

“No, you told me there was a museum. You didn’t tell me that they actually did research.”

“How was I supposed to know?”

“You could have asked me,” Magnus interjected, grinning. “I sometimes go over there to steal lab supplies if we’re running out.”

“Wait, I forgot,” Maia sat up. “You’re a marine biologist too, right?”

“Guilty as charged.”

“What’s your specialty?”

“I actually study impacts of pollutants on marine life.”

“That’s so cool. I kinda want to study mammals but I’m not sure yet.”

“You have plenty of time.” Magnus pointed out.

“True,” She sighed. “I just feel like there’s all this pressure to figure it out right now, you know?”

“It does tend to feel that way. But, just keep in mind, if you don’t know that it’s okay. I didn’t really figure out what I wanted to do until after my first year of grad school.”

She nodded. “That’s actually super helpful.”

Then she narrowed her eyes at Alec. “I thought you said you were going to the hospital. You minx, you didn’t tell me that you would be bringing Magnus back with you.”

Alec grinned. “Well, it was more like I ran into him”

“Literally,” Magnus chimed in.

Maia giggled.

“So,” Alec said. “It was kind of on accident? Not that I’m complaining.”

Magnus shot him a look that had Alec’s cheeks heating again. “Oh, trust me, I’m not complaining either.”

Maia gave Alec another scrutinizing look then she smirked. “Well, it’s about damn time. Good for you.”

Alec blushed even harder because now _both of them_ were leering at him. This was not fair. It was two against one.

“And, yup. I am so telling.” Maia's smirk widened.

“You will not,” Alec said, not that he didn’t want to tell Neela eventually. But he couldn’t stand the idea of getting either hers or Maia’s hopes up. Sure, Magnus was cool and he was very much interested.

But what would happen when he went back to New York? Surely there was a reason so many people said that long-distance relationships didn’t work out? And was that something he even wanted to consider? A relationship?

He’d just met the guy. But if he was being honest with himself, there was something about Magnus that had all of his careful hard-won defenses crumbling. And that was terrifying.

How could you feel this much for someone you’d just met? It didn’t make any sense.

“Fine, fine.” Maia held up her hands placatingly. “My lips are sealed.”

Magnus looked between them, his expression charmingly confused. “I feel like I have missed out on an important part of what just happened.”

“It’s nothing,” Alec said quickly. No, it wasn’t nothing. It was more like Maia being the well-intentioned meddling sibling. Which, he didn’t need, thank you very much. He knew his complete lack of interest in dating concerned her and Neela.

But how could he be worried about dating someone when he had so much to juggle as it was? Besides, all of the guys he’d gone out with up until this point had been more or less on a sliding scale of creepy. Or just wanted to get in his pants. Or both.

Which, sure, there was nothing wrong with hookups, but that wasn’t what he was looking for. The moment he voiced _that_ though, suddenly none of them were interested.

Eventually, he’d thrown out the idea that he’d ever meet someone who would be interested in more than just trying to get into bed with him.

But Magnus was shaping up to be that guy. Who actually wanted to talk to him and didn’t get freaked out by his baggage. Well, in the minuscule amount of time they’d known each other it seemed that way. It left him with a gamut of feelings he wasn’t sure how to deal with just yet on top of all the other confusing emotions that had welled up in the short time he’d been here.

Magnus was still looking adorably confused, but he didn’t press the issue. He very blatantly steered the conversation towards asking how he and Maia had met each other.

Which was easy, freshman orientation. They’d bonded over their mutual disdain for the requisite walkthrough and overly effusive offers of help from upperclassmen.

And the rest, as they say, was history.

Alec was surprised at how easily conversation flowed between the three of them. Again, it didn’t necessarily feel like Magnus was a stranger. It just felt like he was a missing part of their dynamic that hadn’t felt like it was missing until someone pointed it out.

The light nature of the teasing between them and Maia’s targeted innuendos was enough to lift his mood from earlier. It wasn’t that worry about Jace and the impending confrontation with his mom weren’t there. It just felt like for a little while anyway he could focus on something else.

As the end of the evening grew closer, Alec felt almost disappointed. It was fun, he realized. Though Maia was still meddling as she practically shoved him out the door to drive Magnus home.

Not like he wasn’t going to do that anyway.

It turned out Magnus lived only five minutes up the road from the condo. Well, lived, more like rented. And even then, it was more like student housing funded by his research lab. No one else was there besides Magnus right now.

In the summer, there would be a circulation of interns but in the winter, it was generally deserted. It was the same construction as the condo still built up on stilts but with an extra floor. It gave the place a vaguely cartoonish look but in a fun way. In the darkness, he could see what looked like a mural painted on the clapboard, but he couldn’t quite make out the details.

Nervousness bubbled in his stomach as he realized he didn’t quite know what the protocol was for these types of things. Did he walk Magnus to his door? Did Magnus _want_ him to walk him to his door?

“You don’t do this very often, do you?”

Magnus’ voice startled him and he jumped, banging his knee on the steering wheel.

Alec cursed, rubbing the offended knee. “Am I that obvious?”

“Only a little.” Magnus’ reply was light, teasing. “I don’t mind though, it’s cute.”

Alec was sure he was a permanent shade of red around Magnus by this point. Especially because he kept saying things like _that_.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

Alec turned to look at the other man, searching for any trace of dishonesty.

Magnus chuckled, “You really are too cute.”

He reached up and cupped Alec’s face, much the same way he’d done earlier. Leaning in, he kissed Alec gently then drew back. “It’s okay, I’m not expecting anything. But, if it’s okay with you. I have to be in the lab for the next couple of days but after that maybe dinner?”

“Y-yeah I – um, I-I’d like that.” Alec cursed himself for his stammering.

Magnus didn’t call him on it, though. “Excellent. I will see you in a couple of days then.”

He kissed Alec again and then he got out. Leaning in through the open doorway, he gave Alec a genuine smile. “I did have fun.”

“Me too.”

Magnus’ smile brightened further and Alec felt like he couldn’t breathe for a second.

Then, Magnus gave him another little wave and he was gone.

Alec watched him walk up the stairs, pink boa now trailing from his fingertips. He watched as Magnus disappeared into the house and then slumped back into his seat.

He brought his own fingers up to touch his lips, where Magnus had kissed him only a few short moments before. His head felt like it was spinning.

It left him wondering what the hell just happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, I couldn't quite help myself. I needed to add Malec to this chapter. 
> 
> It should also be noted I know jack about marine biology so uh, yeah, if any of this is wrong it's entirely the part of the author lol. 
> 
> Can I also say I just love the idea of flustered and awkward Alec? Like, in my head that's always how I picture his character. 
> 
> And last thing, I felt like the beginning of this was super serious and I wanted something a little bit lighter before it took a turn for the serious again so if that seems a bit random that's why. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed reading! I will try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before getting into this, I just want to give a strong trigger warning for religious abuse and the like. 
> 
> Also, on a much less serious note, I want to say thank you so much to everyone who has left such positive feedback here! It really makes me happy to see so many people enjoying this! So thank you. And thank you as always for all of your comments! Even if I can't get to them right away, I do see them and I wanted to say I appreciate it. 
> 
> That being said, here is the next chapter.

Alec woke up the next morning convinced that the previous day had to have been a dream. Until he rolled over and realized he had a text from Magnus. It was so innocuous, just an invite to dinner at a Thai place he’d never been to before. But it made him feel strangely giddy and nervous all at the same time.

Before he could talk himself out of it, he agreed to the date.

Scrolling through the rest of his messages, he saw that there was one from Izzy. He opened it and saw that it was just her wanting him to go with her to pick up Jace tomorrow. He sent back a quick ‘ok.’

He wondered if that meant he would have to see his mom. He couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or not. Probably not.

Then again, he wanted to spend every second he could with his siblings. And what about Max? He hadn’t seen his youngest sibling in years and when he’d left well, there was no way that Max actually remembered him at all.

Alec sighed, scrubbing his hands over his face, and determinedly turned his phone off. It was too early to be thinking about all of this.

Wasn’t he supposed to be on break?

A light knock on the door tore him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, come in.”

Maia poked her head in through the open doorway. “Hey, I just wanted to make sure you were up. There’s this cool little café down the street you wanna check it out?”

“I’m in. Just let me get dressed.”

“’kay,” She turned to leave then called over her shoulder, “Make sure to bring sunblock. I kinda wanted to go to this garden while we’re out.”

He knew exactly the one she was referring to. It was a community-run garden set up by the local nature-society.

“Yes, mom.” He laughed as Maia flipped him off over her shoulder.

He quickly threw on a pair of jeans that were more rips than anything else and the lightest t-shirt he owned. Which, just so happened to be a t-shirt Neela had given all the employees last spring.

He couldn’t even remember packing it. Then again, his version of packing was pretty much throwing whatever looked clean enough into his suitcase so that didn’t say much.

A quick pass through the bathroom to brush his teeth and try to tame his hair and he was ready. Surprisingly, Maia was waiting for him. Usually, it was the other way around.

When she saw him she tapped her wrist, “Running behind this morning.”

“Really? You’re usually the one running late. Plus, you did just tell me to get up like, ten minutes ago.”

“Semantics,” She scoffed. “Come on, it’s still early and I want to leave before it gets too hot.”

She snagged the keys from the entryway table before he could, not like he really minded. Driving was still mostly terrifying and it would be nice to be the passenger for a change.

“Soo,” Maia said, not taking her eyes off the review mirror as she slowly reversed down the driveway. “What’s the deal with you and Magnus?”

Unbidden, Alec could feel his face heat. It seemed like his body’s default reaction whenever anyone mentioned him.

“Deal?”

“Yeah, you know, what’s your angle?” She asked, eyeing him out of the corner of her eye as she deftly maneuvered around a car parked too close to the street. Strange how she could be so good at avoiding objects on the road while simultaneously seemingly making it her life’s goal to see how close she could get to the curb when turning.

“Uh, I – I – I mean he’s cute.” Alec stuttered out. Then immediately felt like an idiot.

_Way to state the obvious_ he thought.

“And?”

“And he’s cool. I um, I like him. But I don’t know, is it a good idea? I mean we’re only going to be here for a few more days. What happens after we go home?”

“What do you mean what’s going to happen?” Maia never took her eyes off the road as she parked behind a blue minivan. Only after she turned off the ignition did Maia fully turn to look at him. “I guess what I’m trying to say is, maybe that doesn’t matter.”

“How could it _not_ matter?” Alec asked incredulously. He worked inside the realm of reality. And in reality, you had to plan for contingencies. How could she just say that it might not matter?

“Well,” She took a deep breath. “You never know. It could not work out but how do you know until you try? You should at least give it a go.”

“I don’t know,” He said eventually, “I guess I just think about all the things that could go wrong and well, you know, all the logistics.”

“Alec, babe, you’re putting the cart before the horse. It’s a date. Just go, have fun, live a little.”

Right, it was just a date. Maybe he _was_ making things too complicated. But it was hard not to when he’d never been on a date with a person whose opinion he actually cared about. This date actually _meant_ something and what if he fucked it up?

Maia was giving him a look like she already knew the direction his thoughts were going so he refrained from giving voice to any of them.

“It’ll work out, you’ll see.” She said as she leaned across the console and ruffled his hair. “Now come on, daylight’s wasting.”

Slowly, he got out of the car and followed her into the little café. Really, it was just a bar with some stools and a display case. But judging by the smell of the roast, he knew that the coffee was going to be good.

They emerged a few moments later, drinks in hand.

“I think the garden is like a ten-minute walk from here.”

“I’m okay with walking,” Alec shrugged. It was a nice day, no reason to spend it cooped up in a car, right?

They were silent for a moment before Maia nudged his shoulder.

“You’re not mad at me, are you?”

“What? No, I’m not, promise.”

“I just – I know you’re going through a lot right now, I don’t want to be a bitch.”

Alec snorted, “Maia, you were just telling me the truth. I guess I have some thinking to do but you were just looking out for me.”

“So we’re good?”

“Yeah, we’re good.” He grinned at her and she smiled in return.

They spent the rest of the walk bantering back and forth. Mostly about the other people they passed on the way. From the old lady carrying her Yorkie in a baby carrier to the poor dad that seemed like he hadn’t slept in weeks, three kids hurriedly ushered in front of him.

When they got there, he was pleasantly surprised to find a historic brick-front building. There was a plaque to the left of the door with the founding date and historical information.

The door itself was painted a deep green, propped open by a large Buddha statue. In his lap was a ceramic bowl that was filled with a variety of bills and coins. A sign propped up next to the statue stated the donations were for the annual holiday food pantry.

Alec had almost forgotten that the holidays were right around the corner. It made him sad in a way that they’d miss their annual celebration with Neela just shy of a day. They’d already made plans to make up for it but it still felt strange.

That first holiday without his family had been the hardest. Neela had opened her door to both him and Maia and they’d spent the day with their cell phones off, playing board games and watching awful movies. Neela had provided the eggnog, liberally spiked of course, and at some point, he’d forgotten that he was supposed to be upset.

They’d spent every holiday after that in the same way. It was one of the many things he looked forward to about this time of year. Well, that and being able to volunteer with the shelter on Christmas Eve.

“You okay?” Maia asked.

He realized he’d been staring at the sign for longer than was probably strictly necessary. “Yeah, I guess I’m just a little homesick.”

“Me too,” She said softly, “I can’t believe we’re not gonna be with Neela this year.”

“It’s okay,” Alec said, tugging gently on her sleeve, “There’s always FaceTime. And we can have a for-real celebration when we get back.”

“You’re right.” She smiled, “Hey, do you think you’re gonna try strip poker again this year?”

“Hey, that was a one-time thing. I was drunk!” He protested.

She giggled, walking towards the entrance. “Doesn’t mean that I’m ever gonna delete that video. I’m scared of what might’ve happened if Neela hadn’t been there.”

“You said we would never talk about that again,” Alec laughed as he raced to catch up with her.

A man was walking out as they were going in, forcing Alec to flatten himself against the wall to allow him to pass. 

“Sorry,” Alec muttered as he scooted past him into the aviary.

The man didn’t even acknowledge him as he exited out onto the sidewalk.

“Rude,” Maia scoffed.

Alec shrugged. Strangers being vaguely rude honestly didn’t bother him that much.

He turned to survey the inside of the building. There was more brickwork taking up all four of the walls. Although colorful tapestries and plants hung from and were placed on, every inch of available surface. It looked like a greenhouse had exploded.

There was also another door, this time wrought iron, set into the far wall inside a low archway. It was open, a paper sign attached to it that indicated the direction of the aviary.

When they passed through the archway, Alec caught his breath. This place was like the Secret Garden come to life.

Sunlight poured in through skylights. The ceiling, he noted, was just glass panes welded together.

The brick also continued into this room, but it looked like they weren’t inside a building at all. So many plants he couldn’t even name all of them were artfully arranged around a stonework pathway. He could hear the distant sound of a fountain bubbling and it made him feel as though he’d stepped into another world entirely.

“Wow, this place is amazing.” He breathed. He couldn’t believe how much it had changed. 

“I know,” Maia chirped, staring enraptured at the sheer amount of greenery around them. “Come on, let’s go this way first.”

Alec allowed himself to be pulled along the brick pathway around the gardens as Maia rattled off the names of various plants and flowers. He didn’t know much about botany, but it was nice to see Maia light up as she talked.

And, he had to admit, even if you didn’t know the names of the flowers, you could at least admire the brilliance of their colors.

He didn’t know how long they were inside before they emerged back out onto the street. It seemed almost disappointing to have to return to reality.

They’d left a donation both for the garden and the food pantry. Speaking of food, Alec wondered when it was that they would be able to eat lunch.

He’d turned to ask as much to Maia when he looked up and saw someone staring at them from across the street. A chill went down his spine as he realized it was the man from earlier. Had he been there the whole time they were inside?

Instinctively, he pulled Maia closer to him and picked up the pace of his steps.

Maia, who’d been talking about what she’d gotten Jordan for Christmas, stopped midsentence. “Are you okay?”

At the risk of sounding paranoid, he said. “I don’t want to freak you out but that guy from earlier?”

“The rude one?”

“Yeah, him. I think I saw him watching us.” Alec lowered his voice in the hopes of not alerting the man to the fact that they were aware he was there.

“What?” Maia hissed, matching his tone, “Are you sure?”

“Pretty sure,” Alec muttered. He slipped his phone from his pocket and faked taking a selfie to check if the man was behind them. Sure enough, there he was. He’d slowed down some to walk with a tour group but he was most definitely following them. “And now I think he’s following us.”

“Okay,” Maia said, “Come on then.”

She took his hand in hers and tugged him up the street. Waiting until another large group passed them, she ducked into the closest store, a clothing boutique.

Together, they watched as the man walked right past the window and then a little further up the street before stopping. By the expression on his face, Alec would bet he was pretty pissed, but to his relief, the man didn’t turn around. Instead, he got into a black car, some type of sedan, and sped off.

“Can I help y’all?”

They whirled around to see an older woman looking at them with a perplexed expression.

“Uh yeah, sorry.” Alec stuttered. “We were just –“

He faltered, not sure how to explain what they were doing without sounding crazy. The woman continued to stare at them for a moment before understanding crossed her features.

“That’s quite all right. Listen, do you need me to call someone?”

“No. Thank you, but I think we’re all right.” Maia said.

The woman nodded, seemingly unconvinced but allowed them to leave.

They didn’t speak until they were safely back in Alec’s car.

“What was that about?” Maia asked.

Alec shook his head, “I have no idea. Maybe he was just some weirdo? I guess he thought we were tourists?”

“I don’t think so,” Maia said uncertainly, “Cause why would he have waited around if he thought we were tourists? There were so many other people, surely he wouldn’t have stayed there for over an hour if that was the case.”

Unease began to pool in Alec’s stomach. “Yeah, I – I don’t know, that is pretty weird.”

“Did you recognize him?”

“No, I’ve never seen him before.” At least he was pretty sure he hadn’t.

“Strange,” Maia pursed her lips. “Well, I don’t know about you but I think I want to go back now.”

“Same.” Alec agreed. He mulled the situation over and found it didn’t quite make sense. Who was that man and why was he following them?

Because both of them were still creeped out about the whole thing, they opted to stay close to the condo for the rest of the day.

The next morning, the incident was almost completely forgotten as Alec left to go get Izzy and Maia applied herself to a project she was working on for her lab.

It had something to do with studying the life expectancy of different whale species or something like that. He really didn’t know but Maia was passionate about it and was trying to turn the whole thing into a senior thesis paper.

When she got into a work mode, Alec knew it was best to leave her be. Though he wasn’t quite okay with leaving her by herself given what had happened the day before but Maia had practically shoved him out the door. He knew that she could defend herself but that didn’t make his uncertainty disappear.

At the hospital, he pulled into the same space he’d occupied a couple days earlier and headed inside. The same receptionist was at the desk and was way too handsy about pinning on his visitor’s badge.

He made his way to the third-floor wing and Jace’s room, stopping in the doorway when he saw both Izzy and his mom standing by Jace’s bed.

Alec wondered if it was too late to just turn around but then Jace caught sight of him.

“Alec!”

Izzy and Maryse turned around and yup, there was no going back now.

“Hey,” He hoped that the smile he pasted on wasn’t too forced.

“You came,” Izzy swept him into a hug. “They’re just about ready to sign off on the papers.”

“Finally,” Jace complained, “I don’t think I ever want to think about or see jello ever again.”

Alec grinned. “Why not? Isn’t it one of the five important food groups?”

He was rewarded with a laugh for that one and tried not to let himself tense at the presence of his mother in the room. To say that their last meeting hadn’t gone well was something of an understatement. It was hard to believe that that was almost a week ago.

With everything that had happened since it was at once a fresh wound and an old hurt.

Maryse squeezed Jace’s shoulder. “I’m gonna leave you kids be. I think I need some air.”

Then, she was gone.

“Wow,” Alec said. “She couldn’t wait to get out of here fast enough.”

Izzy winced, “Yeah she’s um – she’s not doing well with everything. You know how she is.”

And yes, Alec did know. His mother wasn’t one for emotions or heart-to-heart conversations. No, she’d never been emotionally neglectful, but it wasn’t like she was the kind of mom who was open in that way. In that, they were a lot alike. For the fact, they both tended to push things away or avoid them rather than deal with them.

“Well,” Jace drawled, “She’s going to have to deal with it at some point.”

Anything further that might’ve been said was interrupted by the doctor coming back in. She passed the papers off to Izzy with strict instructions to give them to Maryse as well as Jace’s prescriptions.

Jace complained the whole time about the wheelchair, saying he had cancer, not that he was incapable of walking.

They tuned him out as their procession wended its way back into the hallway, into the elevator, and down to the parking lot where Maryse was waiting with the car.

For the first time, Alec caught a glimpse of the mother he remembered as she ordered Jace to stay where he was and fussed with blankets and pillows set up in the passenger seat while simultaneously loading bags.

Jace made a face that had him suppressing a laugh as Maryse continued to fret. Alec rushed to help Jace into the car. That, at least, he could do. To his surprise, Maryse let him without any complaint.

“You’ll stop by soon, right?” Jace asked.

“Of course.” How could Alec say no to that?

If he expected Maryse to comment, she didn’t. In fact, she was across the parking lot, talking to Izzy. From the way his sister looked, he could tell that his mother was being unnecessarily stubborn about something.

He turned to look back at Jace who was watching them with a pinched expression.

“Are they always like this?”

“No,” Jace commented, “This is a recent thing. After well, everything, their relationship has been strained to say the least.”

Alec nodded, feeling a hint of guilt twisting in his gut at the idea that he may have something to do with the newfound friction between his mother and his sister.

“Not,” Jace added hastily, probably seeing something in Alec’s expression, “That that has anything to do with you. We were going to find out eventually.”

“I know,” Alec replied softly. “I just – I don’t want to be the reason they’re fighting.”

“Trust me, you’re not. The problem is that they’re both right about the same thing, they just don’t realize it.”

Alec chuckled. “That sounds awfully familiar.”

“Alec!”

He turned, surprised to see Maryse hurrying towards him.

The instinctive reaction was to automatically deflect but against his better judgment, he stayed where he was.

Maryse, if his eyes weren’t playing tricks on him, looked uncharacteristically nervous. It wasn’t an expression he was used to seeing. His mom was a defense lawyer, in a state and a profession that frowned on the presence of women in her field. She’d learned to seem sure of herself, even when she wasn’t.

“I know that we left – well, that _I_ was a bit – I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry.”

“For which part?” Alec couldn’t quite keep the bite out of his tone. He couldn’t help wondering if this was going to be another attempt by his mother to preach at him.

“For all of it,” Maryse replied softly. “You’re right. I should've been there for you and I wasn’t. Any excuses I might’ve made were well, bullshit. I know that I don’t deserve to ask you this, but would it be okay if we talked?”

Alec stared at the woman in front of him, not entirely sure if she was in fact his mother. His mother was rarely humble and almost never admitted when she was wrong. Nor did she make it a general habit of asking people’s permission.

His reflexive instinct was a hard and fast no. How could she, after everything, just ask him that and expect him to say yes? Then again, well, even if he wasn’t ready to forgive her, maybe she’d be able to give him the answers that he’d been so desperately searching for.

A glance at Jace over his shoulder showed that his brother was just as taken aback by Maryse’s behavior. Their eyes met and Jace gave him a subtle nod.

Alec took a deep breath. “I may regret this, but okay, yeah. That being said”

He held up one finger, “This doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you or anything like that. There’s a lot that I need answers for.”

“I understand,” Maryse replied easily. “There’s a café up the street, it’s pretty secluded.”

He appreciated that Maryse was offering to talk somewhere public this time. He said his goodbyes to Jace and Izzy and waited for Maryse to do the same.

They walked in tense silence until they got to the café. As promised, it was somewhat off the main avenue and most of the seating were booths in small alcoves elevated just slightly off the main floor.

Maryse waved politely to the cashier who waved back. Clearly, she must come here a lot.

Turning to Alec she indicated the booths. “Since this was my idea I’ll pay. Why don’t you find somewhere to sit? Oh, and uh, do you drink coffee?”

Alec indicated that he did, in fact, drink coffee. He was a twenty-something college student, of course, he drank coffee.

He sank into a booth that was the furthest back from the door and gave the best vantage point of the room – a habit he still couldn’t quite break himself of.

He texted Maia to let her know that he’d be a little bit later than intended. He didn’t get a response back, more than likely because she was still working.

A few moments later, Maryse slid into the side opposite him and set two mugs down on the table.

“I didn’t know what you took in it so I just had them make it black.”

“That’s fine,” Alec shrugged.

“So,” Maryse cleared her throat. “I guess there’s a lot I have to answer for. As I said, I know that well I haven’t been the greatest parent.

And I’m not here to make any excuses. You were right, I should’ve called. I should’ve shown you that I cared and not just thrown money at you. I guess hindsight is 20/20. I was so caught up in my own feelings that I never really stopped and thought about how you would feel. I guess I just convinced myself that you hated me. In a way, maybe it was easier? To be honest, I think the thing I was most afraid of was confronting what I had done.”

Alec shook his head. “You’re gonna have be more specific than that.”

Maryse met his gaze and held it. “All right. More specifically. I should have stood up to your father. Stood up for _you._ ”

Strangely, the words he had wanted to hear for so long didn’t have the weight that he’d expected them to have.

“There hasn’t been a moment since that day that I haven’t wanted to go back and change what I did. I guess I tried to make myself feel better by paying for your schooling but I was still being selfish. Even in that, I was thinking mostly about myself.”

Alec couldn’t disagree with her on that point but felt like it would be rude to say so.

Maryse slid her thumb around the rim of her coffee mug absently. “Well, I can say that I was wrong about that too. I guess in the last couple of years I’ve been thinking about things differently.”

She reached into her bag and brought out a sheaf of papers. “You don’t have to read them. You can burn them if you want to. I just – I just wanted you to know that even if it didn’t seem like it, I always wanted to reach out to you. I had convinced myself that because I hated myself for what I did, then you must feel the same way too.

But, I never stopped wondering what you were doing, how you were. I used to write these when I was sure Robert wasn’t around. I don’t want to imagine what he might’ve done if he knew about any of this. But, for me anyway, I couldn’t just forget that I’d abandoned my son.”

Alec took the papers gingerly and glimpsed his mother’s crabbed handwriting, some of it looked blotched. He tried not to think about that as he laid them on his lap.

“But you never sent any of them?” He asked incredulously.

“No,” Maryse whispered. “I didn’t.”

“Why not?” Alec was trying desperately to keep his temper under control but his mother’s contradictory behavior was really making that difficult. How could she say she cared and write all of these letters but not actually send them?

“Well, that’s also something I wanted to talk to you about. I know – I know that I’m not in any position to be making demands but can you promise me one thing? Please, don’t hate your father for what I’m about to tell you.”

Alec nodded cautiously, his head slightly reeling at the abrupt shift in the conversation.

Maryse dropped her gaze to the table. “I guess I should go back to the very beginning before you were born.

My parents and Robert’s parents were close. I always knew that I was going to marry Robert, there was never much of a choice in that, whether I loved him or not. Oh, I was allowed to go to school and have my own career, but I was not going to be able to choose who I married.”

She smiled tightly. “That was…difficult. When I was at school, I met another man. I had all of these crazy ideas that he would run away with me and we would be together. But, of course, my parents found out. They weren’t exactly happy. My father forced me to come home and we lost contact with each other. My father, I’m glad you never met him. He was a hard man, raised in older times I suppose.

I can’t tell you how long I spent begging him to change his mind but he was set on me marrying Robert. I couldn’t care less about the family name and to be honest, I still don’t. But no matter how much I would’ve wanted to, I guess I was something like a bird in a gilded cage. Maybe that’s a bit trite, but it’s the only metaphor that really makes sense. I could have anything I wanted, so long as my parents approved of it. But I had no real freedom. Even in who I loved.”

A trace of that old pain lingered on her features as she continued softly, “I suppose if I had to be forced to marry anyone, Robert was not exactly the worst choice. Or so I thought at the time. I thought he was a good man, maybe a bit obsessed with his work, a little conceited, but at the heart of it, good. In the beginning, he treated me well enough considering the circumstances. I don’t know if I ever truly loved him but I did learn to care for him as time went on. I thought…I thought that if nothing else we could be in some way happy.

Things weren’t great but they could’ve been worse. I had my career, your father had his. By all appearances, we were a normal couple.”

“So wait,” Alec interrupted. “Your parents arranged your marriage?”

“Yes, I suppose they did.”

The thought of that was medieval. Of course, he knew things like that existed, even here. It was just shocking to hear it coming from his own mother.

“What I’m about to tell you, well, I’m not making excuses. I know I’ve already made too many of them. I just – I feel like I need to tell you this. It’s a long time overdue.”

She paused for a moment, as if weighing her words, before speaking, “In my house, how I grew up, women were always subservient. Like I said, I was expected to marry Robert. Then, be a mother first and put my career second. I was always supposed to submit to my husband because that was what I was told. Of course, I never really liked the idea of submitting to anyone but I also wanted to be a Godly woman.

For me, there was never really a choice. It was all I knew and I was convinced that if God said it then it must be true. I took everything in the Bible literally and that meant obeying not only my parents but my husband as well.

Of course, I don’t feel that way anymore but I was much younger and a lot more gullible then. The only thing that was a problem for my parents was that they were staunch Baptists and Robert’s family were Catholics. When we got married, I made the decision to convert.

Well, the church we attended, had its…issues let’s say. I got swept up in wanting to change it from within and it nearly broke me. We left that church and everyone we knew and moved here.

Things were great for the first couple of years. Then you came along. Life looked like it was perfect. But appearances can be deceiving. The whole time that everyone thought we were this perfect couple we weren’t.

I’m sure you caught onto this towards the end, but Robert was a serial cheater. He was…controlling.”

Alec frowned. “Controlling?”

Maryse began to tap on the table idly. “Yes, I suppose that’s the best word for it. He um, well he was very particular about where I went, who I was with. He would sometimes go through my phone at night. I suppose his cheating made him paranoid that I was cheating as well. It went beyond that though. I’m not proud of this period in my life. I think – I think that I lost myself for a while there.

I – every decision I made I felt this compulsion to make sure it was okay with him first. He never actually hurt me, at least physically, but there’s no doubt in my mind that he had this _hold_ on me. I’m not proud of this either but I think in many ways I was afraid. Of him. Of being disobedient to God whatever that means.” She scoffed and pulled a face.

Alec couldn’t remember the mother he knew growing up being so cynical about religion. It was such a part of their lives that it was difficult to reconcile that image with the person he saw before him. He also noted that his mother no longer wore the silver cross she always had. He wondered about that but didn’t have time to ask and Maryse was still talking in an almost conversational tone. As if she wasn’t discussing the ending of her marriage or the reconfiguring of her worldview. 

“And the church never encouraged me to do anything but more of what I now see as enabling his terrible treatment to me, to you kids, and just…in general. If things weren’t great between us the reason was always that I was not being a good wife, not that there was something _he_ was doing.

When you – when you came out, I think that was the wake-up call for me. I remember hearing that door slam shut and honestly, my heart just – shattered.”

She broke off abruptly. Alec was surprised to see tears brimming at the corners of her eyes and was just as surprised to feel a similar reaction to what his mother was telling him. Sure, it didn’t excuse what she’d done, but in a way, it made all of the little things he’d seen growing up start to piece together.

The way his mother would cater to his father. His father’s caustic wording when addressing her and his inability to acknowledge whenever he’d done anything wrong. His father’s distance from them, the frequent business trips.

It all painted a very ugly picture that made him start to understand his mother a bit better. There was no doubt that a lifetime of religious conditioning coupled with everything else had culminated in that one moment.

He felt a small modicum of his anger slip away, but there was still so much he didn’t understand.

Clearly, her view of his father had been directly influenced by her parents’ relationship. It was just not something that was done, questioning the man of the house as it were. To go against his father in that moment would have meant going against everything she’d ever been taught or believed in. It was immeasurably cruel to force her to have to choose between him and that.

But his heart ached and a part of him still wondered why, in the end, she hadn’t chosen him. He knew that answer, of course he did, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.

“Sorry.”

He was torn from his thoughts by his mother’s whispered apology as she swiped at the corners of her eyes.

“I swear I’m not trying to manipulate you. This is –this is just really hard for me.”

Alec honestly didn’t know what to say. He was once again in between wanting to reach out to her and his own feelings that were still largely unresolved. He’d spent so many years imagining the person he’d thought his mother was. To have something he’d largely taken as a given once again turned on its head was leaving him unsure of just where he stood and how he felt about his mother after hearing all of this.

Maryse took a breath, “Okay. Where was I? Oh right. When you walked out that day I think that was the moment when I realized, I couldn’t live my life like that anymore. It had cost me not just myself but now my own son.

Something had to change. I didn’t know where to start. Thankfully, there’s a lot of resources out there about this kind of thing. It wasn’t easy, especially that first year. I used to wonder if you were okay. Did you have enough to eat? Was your hair still the same as when you left?

Robert, well, he decided that once you left you were no longer a part of the family. He made me take down all the pictures and close up your room. He gave the kids some bs excuse. I went along because I don’t know – I was stupid? Unwilling to go against my husband? Ashamed of my own inability to stand up for my son? I don’t know.

I knew it wasn’t right but somehow I couldn’t force myself to speak up either. Time passed and Robert he just got worse and worse. It seemed like there was nothing that I could do that was right in his eyes. Every conversation we had was an argument. He was spending more time away than he was at home.

I just – I got to this point where I – I don’t know I guess I’d finally had enough. His treatment of me well I guess I was used to that but I refused to repeat my mistakes. I wouldn’t let him do to Izzy what he’d done to you. I told him to leave.

Of course, he wasn’t very happy about that. I won’t go into details but needless to say well it was ugly.”

Alec wondered what she meant about that comment about Izzy. But he knew that was probably a conversation he would have to have with his sister.

Sifting through the rest of what his mother had revealed to him, he couldn’t say that it was in any way unexpected that that was how things would end. He wasn’t sure he had more than a handful of memories of a time when his parents were genuinely happy together.

But there was still one thing he didn’t understand.

“There’s just something I don’t get,” Alec said.

“Whatever it is, I’ll try to be as honest as possible.”

“Okay.” Alec paused to steady himself. “Why did you send back all my letters? The cards?”

Maryse’s brow furrowed in apparent confusion. “Letters?”

“Come on,” Alec scoffed, “You know what I’m talking about.”

Maryse shook her head slowly. “No, I actually don’t. What letters?”

“The ones that I sent, every year, the holidays.”

Alec watched as several expressions crossed his mother’s features, surprise, sadness, confusion, and then finally settling on anger.

“That _bastard_.” Maryse hissed. “Alec, I am _so_ sorry – if I had known but of course not –“

She trailed off, leaving him more confused.

“What? I don’t –“ Alec cut himself off, not sure how to give voice to all the questions crowding on the edge of his tongue.

“Right.” She ran a hand through her hair. “Well as I’m sure you know I usually work late at the office. I’ve tried to be better about it with Robert gone but that’s not really relevant to this. Anyways, Robert, he’d usually get home before me. I guess he kept them and never told me about them. He – he really hated you that much.”

She scoffed. “I just – I can’t believe this. It’s one thing to make you leave it’s another thing to do _this_.”

Alec searched her face for any trace of dishonesty. What he saw made him believe that she was genuinely angry and upset. No, it went deeper than that she looked…betrayed? Was that the right word for it?

Should he – _could_ he believe her? What did it mean if he did?

“I just – I don’t know what to say.”

“It’s okay,” Maryse said. “I mean – I know this is a lot to absorb. And I – I understand if you want to be done with me. I wouldn’t blame you.”

“I won’t lie,” Alec said. “There’s a lot I have to think about. I honestly don’t know how to feel right now.”

“I understand. I just want to say thank you for agreeing to talk with me. I – um, I guess that I won’t take up any more of your day.”

“No, that’s not what I meant.” Alec rushed to say. “I guess what I’m trying to say is – just give me some time. I need – I need to process all of this.”

Maryse nodded. “Okay. I mean – I get it.”

A loud ding made his mom drop her gaze to her phone and she sighed. “Duty calls. I know you said that well you need a while and I’m willing to respect that. But if you want to see Jace or Izzy or Max, I don’t mind. Um, and I guess if you feel up to it before you leave I’d like it if you would join us for dinner. And uh, you can bring Maia she seemed nice and well, anyone else you want to.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“That’s all I can ask,” She smiled tightly at him and then stood up, collecting both their mugs. “It was good seeing you again. I hope that – well, maybe even if you can’t forgive me that I won’t stand between you and your siblings. Take care of yourself, Alec.”

Then, she was gone. Alec stared after her for a moment before shaking his head. He glanced outside and saw that it was getting dark now. He wanted to hurry up and get back to his car before the sun fully set.

The whole incident with the man yesterday had unnerved him and he was still slightly paranoid that he would see him again around every corner.

He shot off a quick text to Maia letting her know that he was on his way back and followed his mother out. He was just in time to see her slip into a silver SUV and he wondered for a moment who the driver was. Then again, what business of that was his?

Thankfully, he wasn’t that far from the hospital and he got back to his car with no incidences. When he got back to the condo he was unsurprised to see that Maia was still in the same place she’d been when he’d left earlier, except for a couple of extra cups and a plate to her left.

“Honey, I’m home!” He called.

Maia glanced up at him and gave him a tired smile. “Hey, how was your day?”

“Uh, well,” He turned to toss his keys onto the end table, “It was interesting.”

Maia sat up. “Interesting?”

“Um, yeah. I talked with my mom.”

“You did? That’s great.” She made a face and amended her statement. “Or maybe not so great?”

“No, no,” Alec sank onto the rug next to her, “It was and it wasn’t. There was a lot that I just…didn’t expect.”

“Like what?”

“Well, she pretty much confirmed a lot of things that I thought about my dad.”

“In what way?” Maia asked.

“In the way that he’s something of a controlling asshole. And he was more awful to my mom than I realized. I don’t know, it was really hard. Cause you know, I’m still so mad. But now after talking with her, I know now that she was as much a victim as I was.”

“That’s a tough position to be in.”

“Tell me about it. Like, I want to be mad at her but now I feel like it’s wrong to be mad. Does that even make any sense?”

“I mean yeah, it does. But you shouldn’t feel bad about how you feel. Your mom still hurt you even if there is more to the story than you thought. That’s something you have to deal with and clearly, your mom is dealing with it too.”

“Yeah, I guess – I guess you’re right. I’m just so confused.”

“Hey, you don’t have to know the answer right now. Just – you know, take some time. Think about it and if you want then you can try to build that bridge with your mom but if you don’t want to then that’s okay too.”

“That’s the thing, I think – I think I do want to but I’m scared. What if I say yeah, let’s do this, and then it turns out that everything she told me was a lie?”

“Did it seem like she was lying?”

“No, that’s the thing. She looked genuinely upset. Like, I think she was being completely honest. And she looked honestly afraid when she was talking about my dad.”

“Well, you don’t have to go from hating her to suddenly being her friend or whatever. You can you know, work your way up to that.”

“No, you’re – you’re definitely right.” Alec scrubbed a hand across his face. “Okay, fuck it. Weren’t you the one who told me that I should try living in the moment? Well, she asked me to dinner before we leave so I think I’m gonna do it.”

“Okay, I know I said that but don’t force yourself to do something you’re not comfortable with.”

“I – I don’t know. I feel like I have to at least give it a go and she said I could bring you with me and whoever I wanted.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Literally I don’t know.” Alec shrugged.

“Well,” Maia said, “All right. But only if you’re comfortable like I said.”

“I think I’m gonna sit on it for a couple of days.”

“That’s probably the best idea. So did she say anything else?”

“Oh, there was one more thing. Apparently, she didn’t even know about the letters.”

“That seems kinda sus.”

“That’s what I thought too. But I don’t know, same thing. She looked like she really didn’t know. I think – I think there’s more going on with my dad that she didn’t want to tell me.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I don’t know,” Alec considered the question for a moment. “Like – not that she wasn’t being honest, just like there were things she wasn’t telling me.”

“Weird.” Maia frowned. “I wonder why.”

“That’s what I want to know too.” He sighed. “I guess – well whatever. She said that she’s not gonna keep me from having a relationship with my siblings so I think that means that she wasn’t the one keeping the letters from them.”

“Or she could have had a change of heart.” Maia pointed out.

“I don’t think that’s it. Her expression she just looked so upset when I told her about them.”

Maia shrugged in lieu of an answer.

“Either way. I asked Izzy and she said that she wants me to meet them in a couple days and have a day out. Maybe go to the zoo?”

“Sounds fun. I’ve got to work on this,” She gestured to the mess of papers around her, “Or else I’d go with you.”

“No, I understand. Do you wanna have a chill day tomorrow then?”

“That sounds fun. More beach time.” She grinned, “And then you have your date with _Magnus_.”

Alec felt his cheeks heat. “It’s one date.”

“Two dates.”

“Two?”

“Come on, the romantic stroll and I know you weren’t just sitting on that couch.”

“Ugh, fine two dates.” He said begrudgingly.

Maia laughed. “I’m just messing with you. Really, I’m happy for you.”

She nudged him. “It’s about time.”

“Yeah, yeah,” He pushed her playfully. “What about you and Jordan?”

“We’re actually – really good.”

“Yeah?”

She nodded. “I mean we’re still working through some stuff but – I think he’s genuinely changed. He seems so different from how he used to be. It was hard at first believing that he was actually different. But he’s really turned it around. He cut off all contact with his dad and he and his mom are going to therapy together and then he goes by himself. It seems to be working for him. He’s all set to take his certification and he seems like he’s really into his music.”

“That’s good Maia.”

“Yeah,” She smiled, “I mean – I think I still have some issues but he’s respectful of that and we can talk about it now so.”

“That’s all that’s important.” Alec still had his reservations about the guy but there was no way he could pretend like he knew more than Maia herself. And if _she_ could forgive him then maybe Alec could learn to do the same.

“And Neela helps of course.”

“Of course.” Alec grinned. He had no idea where either of them would be without Neela.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” Alec said cautiously.

“Are you – you know, is it okay? Me and Jordan?”

Alec tugged on his shirtsleeve, “I mean – I won’t lie. I still have some reservations.”

“Not,” he added hastily, “Because I doubt your judgment, of course not. It’s just hard for me because it still makes me mad that he hurt you. I know that was a long time ago but every time I see him I just think about that. But I do trust you so I’m working on getting over that because if you can forgive him and want to be with him then I need to learn to respect that.”

Maia nodded. “You know you have a serious older brother complex.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“It’s okay, I’m not mad.” She assured him. “I just wanted to check in with you.”

Alec narrowed his eyes at her. “Why?”

“Uh – well, I mean obviously it’s not going to happen right now. But we uh kinda had this talk.”

“He didn’t.”

Maia blushed, “I mean I told him not right now but I’m hoping if we’re still together…”

“Wow, I mean congratulations.”

“It’s not like we’re actually engaged!”

“But I mean – you guys are super happy together. I could see it.”

“Thanks.” She said quietly. “You know, Alec, sometimes I don’t think you realize how good you are.”

Alec scoffed. “Yeah, right.”

“No, seriously. You put whatever you feel on the back burner and try to respect other people. It’s something I’ve always admired about you.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, I guess I never told you that. And I – I’m glad that we’re friends.”

“Me too.” Alec grinned.

She nudged him again. “Okay, enough of the touchy-feely stuff. Do you want to watch something? Your pick?”

“Okay,” Alec got up slowly and flopped onto the couch. “We’re watching Tangled.”

“Not again,” Maia groaned as she got to her feet as well. “We watched it yesterday. Twice.”

“Can’t watch it too many times.”

“Whatever,” Maia shook her head, “Popcorn?”

“Is that even a question?”

“Point.” She walked into the kitchen. “What do you want to drink?”

“Surprise me.”

“You might regret that.”

Alec laughed. “Highly doubt that.”

“I’m gonna give you soda.”

“Don’t you dare.”

“Kidding,” She giggled.

“You better be.”

A few moments later, she joined him on the couch. As the movie started up, Alec couldn’t help two thoughts from circulating in the back of his mind.

One was the identity of the man who’d been following them earlier. The second was just what he was going to do about his mom.

The first one he doubted he would ever know the answer to but the second well, that answer would hopefully come to him in time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've just realized as a writer I think I have a thing for always putting people in cafes for some reason? And letters? I don't know why but I think this is hilarious.
> 
> Also, I just can't help throwing weird plot points in. Does anyone else do this?? 
> 
> Also, also. With Maryse, yes I have a tendency to lean on this trope a little too much? But I feel like to translate the Shadowhunters verse irl it has to be almost like a religious or cult thing? Because otherwise, it doesn't feel that believable in my opinion anyway. I may have made it a little too dark but when I'm writing this stuff I'm actually basing it off things I saw growing up with my fundamentalist parents. I just want to communicate that of course making the wife be completely answerable to her husband is messed up and I hope I got that across in this. 
> 
> Anyway, that being said. I hope you enjoyed reading. Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


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